Swisher's Untitled Blog Project

Buh-Bye Bedbugs

2011-07-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

So a friend of mine in New York just had an exterminator come to his house to check for bed bugs. If you've been following the news, bedbugs are a huge problem in NYC. His apartment is safe...for now. But in talking to him (okay, IM-ing) I realized just how traumatizing the specter of bedbug infestation must be to East Coasters (and anywhere else bedbugs are a big problem) so I decided to spend five minutes this morning on trying to come up with a way to eradicate the problem.

Here are some facts:

Bedbugs are found in beds.
Bedbugs feast on human blood.
Bedbugs are sneaky and come out at night.
Bedbugs are resistant to pesticides.

So what's the solution? Decoy living rooms and bedrooms. Bedbugs are tiny, between 4-5 millimeter in length. What if they had access to tiny beds? Tiny couches? Tiny people? My guess is they'd eat what's closest to them, rather than make the long, arduous trek to your huge bed or couch. So if you fear your home might be the target of these creatures, run to the nearest store and buy yourself a bunch of doll furniture and place it somewhere in the house as far away from your actual bedroom as possible. If you have dandruff, I'd recommend shaking your dander all over the furniture as bait. In addition, add a blood trough to the bed so they stay on the mini-furniture. When enough bedbugs infest the decoy bedroom, set the decoy bedroom on fire. Then start the process over again.

I'm not an entomologist so I haven't field-tested this idea, but I'm 98% sure it will work. If you try this, drop me a note to let me know how successful it was for you.

It's Official: I've Got Brain Damage

2011-07-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a doctor confirm this, but I hardly need to when researchers at Ohio State University already have. They exposed mice to air pollution, the kind that's "created by cars, factories and natural dust" and discovered "visible, negative impacts on the brain". In other words, Los Angeles residents like myself are brain damaged. Here's what happened to the mice:

After 10 months of exposure behavioural tests were carried out on the rodents including a learning and memory test where after five days of training they were placed on a brightly lit area and given two minutes to find the dark escape hole where they would be more comfortable.

The mice who breathed the polluted air took longer to learn where the escape hole was and at later tests they were more likely to forget where it was.

In another experiment, mice exposed to the polluted air showed more depressive-like and higher levels of anxiety-like behaviours in one test, but not in another.

If you replaced "took longer to learn where the escape hole was" with "took longer to find her car parked at The Grove", the study has basically captured my cognitive decline since moving here. And are there ANY Angelenos who don't exhibit "depressive-like and higher levels of anxiety-like behaviours"? Actually, there are a small handful, but those are the ones who were cast in TV shows soon after moving to LA, and who spend a good portion of the year shooting in Vancouver.

How's the pollution in South Dakota? Maybe it's time for a move.

2011-07-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

Just watched the beginning of "The Making of GBTV" on GBTV.com. I haven't always been a big fan of Glenn Beck, but I think it's because I didn't appreciate how much of a visionary he is. Then I heard his co-host say this:

"I've mentioned before that Glenn will go off on a tangent and say, "All right, we need rocket ships to space," and then we'll go off and start building rocket ships in our backyard. And then he'll come to us a few weeks later and we've got a half-built rocket ship and he'll say, "What are you doin' that for? We're not going to the moon anymore."

So now I'm like, "Wait a second! WHERE'S he gonna go? And is he going to take public transportation to get there?". And I'm also wondering, "How much could you get for a half-built rocket ship on Ebay?"

Needless to say, I'll be watching GBTV when it launches to find out.

Taste My Wife, Please!

2010-03-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

I'm hopeful "Top Chef" producers will read this entry and decide to make this a quickfire challenge next season.

I'm sure the glut of cooking shows makes it really difficult for any individual chef to stand out, so I applaud New York chef Daniel Angerer for finding a away to get recognized. He's making cheese out of his wife's breast milk. Will this revelation scar his child down the line, when said child realizes his dad stole his food? Time will tell.

In the meantime, I'm going to see if I can order breast milk cheese online. I've got a dinner party coming up and I suspect it would go great with fancy crackers.

Baseball's Most Dangerous Food

2010-02-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

Hot Dogs are perfectly-designed to kill a person, especially a little person. If you have hot dogs, and a little person, you should get rid of one of them. Either put your small child up for adoption, or get rid of your hot dogs. Don't believe me? Read this:

"If you were to take the best engineers in the world and try to design the perfect plug for a child's airway, it would be a hot dog," says statement author Gary Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. "I'm a pediatric emergency doctor, and to try to get them out once they're wedged in, it's almost impossible."

I probably just saved a life with this post. You're welcome.

My Adventure in Sex City

2010-02-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

Canada's using the power of gaming to teach its youth about safe sex. I got one question wrong. At least now I've learned you can't get an STD if a dog humps your leg. Good to know.

Murder Does Not Belong on a Bucket List

2009-12-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

A 98-year-old woman (allegedly) strangled her 100-year-old roommate at a nursing home in Dartmouth, MA.

She skipped the "passive" and went straight for "aggressive" in response to an annoying roommate. I clearly need to step up my game a bit. When my roommate pisses me off I accidently throw away his soy cheese. But mark my words: If I he's still my roommate when I'm 90, all bets are off.

CBS Cares...a Little Too Much

2009-11-29T18:11:00.000-08:00

I saw this PSA on a flight and thought it was funny. Then I realized, "Oh wait. This is an actual PSA." I really want to see what would happen if men took CBS' advice. And if any of my male readers wants to take this challenge, please let me know your lady's reaction. Seriously. I'd really like to know.

Canadian Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

Spending Thanksgiving with friends today. I'm charged with bringing an appetizer for dinner. The host wants deviled eggs. I guess I'll be making deviled eggs.

Wishing you all good eats and good company today.

Diamonds Don't Say Christmas...

2009-11-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

as much as reindeer dung does. For that special person in your life this holiday season, let them know you care with a reindeer dung necklace. They're $15 from the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, IL. Better buy one soon before the zoo runs out of shit.

Also, you're welcome.

Genocide Made Adorable!

2009-11-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

I don't remember being in this play at school. This video is from Landlinetv.com. I happened to stumble upon their site today, and since I don't have a ton of free time to produce anything original, I might as well point to others who do.

Enjoy.

182 Lbs. Today

2009-11-12T14:40:00.000-08:00

I'm super tired. I stepped on my old-fashioned bathroom scale today and it turns out I weigh 182 pounds, give or take a few stones. I always set it higher than what I actually weigh to motivate me. But, man, it is a pain in the ass to have to post this on my blog. I mean, I love to share my weight with others, but it's so time consuming. Fortunately, the Withings company has come out with a Twitter-enabled WiFi scale that will tweet a user's weight as often as the user deems appropriate. The scale costs almost $200 so I have to find out if they have a payment plan. I'm gonna get it, though.

How often should I update my weight? Every time I step on the scale or just every day?

I love technology!

Back from Guantanamo...

2009-11-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

Just got back from a week at Gitmo where I travelled with the band Bridge of Sighs documenting their performances on the military base. In his free time, band leader Tom Neely gave us a fantastic tour of the island and a glimpse into life on the base.

Some Gitmo fun facts: a $10,000 fine is issued to anyone who makes the mistake of killing an iguana. Iguanas run rampant on the base and are protected by the military. They also like to take their time crossing the streets.

Guantanamo is a great place to be if you like water sports. I was able to go snorkeling and night fishing on the trip. I also went go cart racing, hit at the batting cages and observed soldiers spend their leisure time playing kickball, softball, volleyball, flag football, weightlifting and swimming.

Getting to the base from Los Angeles is a commitment. It involves three flights, two bus rides and a ferry.

If I have an opportunity to go back, I'll definitely take it.

Reminder: Halloween's Just Around the Corner

2009-10-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

I think this is my favorite costume of HuffPo's "Most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes".

Virginity Obsessions Are Scary

2009-09-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

Because they make fake hymen kits necessary in many parts of the world. And if there's outrage over fake condoms, no doubt men will be suspicious of them in the future.

Playboy Makes You Gay

2009-09-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

This is Michael Schwartz, Senator Tom Coburn's (R-OK) Chief of Staff. In this video he asserts that "all pornography is homosexual pornography". Why? Because "it turns your sexuality inward." I'm not sure exactly what that means, unless Michael's erections are different than the rest of the male population. I don't actually want to know.

He also thinks that this is a good message to tell young boys. If they watch porn, they're gay. That'll make 'em think twice.

Michael delivered this address at the Values Voter summit. Here's the irony. Those areas where folks are the most religious in this country, also happen to be the areas with the highest teen pregnancy rates. Many of those states are the ones in favor of "Abstinence Only" programs, which do not work. Mississippi promoted religion and abstinence at a rally featuring Granada High School cheerleaders chanting: "Stop! Don't touch me there! This is my no no square!" Because that's a sure-fire way to get teens to abstain, have them invoke the cool phrase "my no no square." I remember the first time I used the phrase. It was last week. I was on a second date with a guy. We kissed. I then told him, "Listen, I think you're great. I just want you to know that until there's a ring on my finger, you won't be able to touch my no no square." I haven't heard from him again.

It's clear he wasn't right for me. I'm now going to come up with other chants I think the kidz will enjoy. Feel free to share any suggestions you may have.

Scary Glenn Beck

2009-09-04T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I can trust anything Glenn Beck says until he's able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did not, in fact, rape and murder a young girl in 1990.

I don't understand why he hasn't denied this claim on his show or made any attempt to prove his innocence. He must be guilty. That's the ONLY explanation possible. Right?

Why Obesity Matters

2009-09-02T15:38:00.001-07:00

I think I've made my point.

How to Hike During Wildfire Season

2009-09-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the current fires, weekend hiking is no longer an option. This morning a fellow hiker emailed me a solution to our woes. Hiking club is back on!

Poop Trap!

2009-08-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

I almost think this is a good idea. My only concern is: If my dog uses poop trap indoors, what happens when she sits down or rolls on her back? That worries me.

But everything else about this product seems wonderful...except for the embarrassment factor of the dog, which would be huge.

Speaking Truth to Power

2009-08-14T08:31:00.001-07:00

That pic was from a New Hampshire blog, and it really crystallized what this whole health care debate should be about: Bringing "Arrested Development" back to our televisions. I know the politicians will try and water this down with a "motion picture option", and Republicans will probably try and kill it with a free market "10-minute-interstitial" approach to the show, but progressives need to stand strong. We need to demand a weekly 1/2 hour with at least a 13-episode pick-up.

Are you listening, Obama? Who's with me?

One Armed Woman Strong-Arms Clothing Co.

2009-08-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

A one-armed sales assistant was fired from Abercrombie & Fitch for refusing to hide her disabililty
from customers:

Dean claims that when she told A&F about her disability after getting the job, the firm agreed she could wear a white cardigan to cover the link between her prosthesis and her upper arm. But shortly afterwards, she was told she could not work on the shop floor unless she took off the cardigan as she was breaking the firm's "look policy". She told the tribunal that someone in the A&F head office suggested she stay in the stockroom "until the winter uniform arrives".

Unacceptable! Why would she refuse to work in the stockroom? When I go to the mall, I shouldn't have to witness other peoples' imperfections. When I get a corn dog from Hot Dog on a Stick, I want to look at beautiful employees. If these kinds of frivolous lawsuits are allowed to proceed, well, I don't even want to think about it. What's next? Breast cancer survivors working at Victoria's Secret? Am I right?!

Enough is enough.

Obama = Hitler

2009-08-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

I wish this weren't true, but the evidence is irrefutable.

"Bob Roberts" Was Way Ahead of Its Time

2009-08-11T14:38:00.001-07:00

I remember loving the film "Bob Roberts" when it came out. If the soundtrack were for sale, I'd have bought it. Tim Robbins plays a folk-singing right wing politician who ridicules and denounces the poor and celebrates capitalism. Bob Roberts was a brilliant character. The weird thing is, it appears as if there are real life "Bob Roberts" wanna bes. Listen to this cute little folk ditty:

Now watch this one from the fictional Bob Roberts:

I highly recommend this flick if you haven't seen it already. I may need to watch it again. I suspect it won't be as funny the second time around.

"You Make Somebody a Bridesmaid and They Sh*t All Over You"

2009-08-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

That's one of my favorite lines from "Sixteen Candles", one of the few movies I can actually quote. I think I was the last person in the office to read about the passing of John Hughes.

Very sad news. He's definitely in my pop culture pantheon of people whose work occupied a special place in my heart growing up. "Sixteen Candles", "Breakfast Club", "Weird Science", "National Lampoon's Vacation"...all classics.

He'll be missed.

AIM Hate

2009-08-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

I've been super busy, apparently since Michael Jackson's death. Today I write because I am petty and annoyed. My AIM account was hacked and I can no longer access it. And I learned that AOL has no connection to AIM accounts so if you're hacked, there's virtually no recourse. I may have filed some form or other, but have no confidence the issue will be resolved.

One teachable moment has come from this: From now I I will only use associate free email accounts with accounts from any websites I use. For example, I don't know what my Flickr.com password is, and because I no longer have the email account I used to set up the page, I'm forever blocked from the account.

Frustrating. I'm sorry to inflict this on anyone else.

Done complaining.

For now.

L.

Remembering Michael

2009-07-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

I've had a few thoughts about Michael Jackson today and I thought I'd post a brief compilation.

9:30ish am - Just walked into work, saw news coverage. Thought there was an extremely slow car chase involving a black stretch limo.There's not.

10:00 am - Just thinking about my asexual encounter with MJ back in 1991. We were backstage after a concert. I couldn't have been less turned on, and the feeling was mutual. It was magical.

Queen Latifah's reading of a Maya Angelou poem at MJ's memorial service reminded me of a beautifully succinct poem the great Maya Angelou wrote for me. It said, "Never contact me again. I'm serious. This isn't a poem."

Watching the memorial really puts life and death into perspective. I realize now that I don't want a simple service when I die. I'm thinking I'd like my funeral to be held either at the Hollywood Bowl or Ravinia.

I'm going to go back to the wall to wall coverage now. Kobe and Magic Johnson are talking.

Best Local News Story EVER

2009-06-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

Enjoy.

My Neighbor the Charmer

2009-06-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm very fortunate to have a neighbor like this. Isn't he wonderful?!

Disappointment Brought to You by AT&T

2009-06-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Have a bunch of writing to get done today, but I can always make time to complain about crappy Internet service. I have AT&T service. Several times a day, for no apparent reason, I am unable to connect to the Internet and have to "check" my Internet connection. I'm supposed to have one of the fastest connection speeds, but downloads aren't that fast. How is it that Americans pay more money for crappier service than people in, say, Japan?

I'm not the only one complaining about AT&T. Mythbuster Adam Savage isn't terribly happy with the company either. $11,000 bills will do that to you.

This concludes my AT&T complaining.

Lurn English, Immigrant!

2009-06-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

This is kind of great. America's favorite immigrant basher Pat Buchanan attended the "Building a New Majority" conference this past weekend. Word on the street is they're going to try and go after "white democrats" by pushing English-only policies. When in doubt, stoke racism.

Check out the conferenece's [sic] banner. If English were so important to this crowd, you'd think they might respect it.

Coitus Galactica

2009-06-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

The final frontier might not be space, but sex in space. This week aerospace executives will descend on Paris for the Paris Air Show hawking planes, weapons and all manner of intergalactic technology. It doesn't appear there's a lot of government interest in investing in space exploration these days. How might enterprising space flacks persuade policy makers to untie their purse strings and invest in exploration again? If male and female astronauts were getting it on in space, no doubt the public would clamor for more more more! Here's an excerpt from a Bloomberg article that cites Neil Armstrong's official biographer James Hansen:

As Hansen tells it, a little hanky panky and a few flutes of Champagne followed by a luxury meal from Jules Verne’s Michelin three-star chef Alain Ducasse would civilize outer space and arouse generations weaned on “Star Trek” fiction to persuade global leaders into spending the money required to make galactic travel a reality.

“That’s what Jules Verne did in ‘From Earth to the Moon,’” Hansen says. “Verne’s science-fiction stories were the original inspiration for the people who launched NASA’s Mercury, Gemini and Apollo programs.”

Actually, I don't see why we'd need the government at all. The first reality show that broadcasts space nooky will get huge ratings and rake in tons of advertising revenue. And don't get me started on how much money they could make if they offered livestream footage. They could very well raise enough cash to pay for "Big Brother 20" on Mars.

What's Going on in Russia?

2009-06-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

Why are there so many bizarre stories coming out of that country?

Today I came across another one. A Russian woman is on trial for raping ten men. TEN! It makes you wonder, "Did these men not speak Russian?" Because the easiest way to get a man to sleep with you is to say, "Sleep with me." It usually works.

I guess this woman drugged them, probably didn't want to experience those annoying post coital conversations men are so fond of. My favorite part of the article?

At present, police know about 10 victims, although one of them refused to file a complaint against her.

The unnamed man said he “like hot women,” and thought the assault “was great.” He wished he hadn’t been drugged, however.

Men and women really ARE different!

Did That Help?

2009-06-18T18:37:00.000-07:00

Posting a green square? Because until I learn how to create web proxies or whatever tech savvy people do, this is the best I can do.

Why do I get the feeling I'm not making a difference?

Hoekstra Heckled on Twitter

2009-06-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh really hard today, and I rarely laugh out loud. I forwarded it to people in my office and they, too, laughed out loud.

It's a round-up of responses to Congressman Hoekstra's obnoxious tweet (see above). Here's one: "ArjunJaikumar @petehoekstra i spilled some lukewarm coffee on myself just now, which is somewhat analogous to being boiled in oil"

Check out TPM for more heckle goodness.

How Ugly Do You Have to Be...

2009-06-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

for a man to cut off his penis rather than marry you? Getting left at the alter is bad. This is worse.

An Egyptian cut off his own penis on Sunday in protest at his parents' choice of bride, a police official said.

The 25-year-old labourer from the village of Sheikh Eissa in southern Egypt was taken to hospital in stable condition, the official said, adding that the man had also mutilated his testicles.

I feel bad for this guy. Even if his parents find a suitable bride, what will he say to her. "Hey, I have a random question for you. On a scale of 1-10, ten being very important, and 1, not so much: How important is to you that your future husband have a penis? You're not one of those ladies who thinks it's, like, a big deal or anything, are you?"

Times Are Tough All Over

2009-06-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

Uh oh. Al Qaeda's not doing that well financially these days. According to the New York Post, Al Qaeda's ability to raise money has been impacted by the shitty economy.

Plagued by money worries over the past year, al Qaeda leaders put out an appeal for more funds, saying they need charity in order to combat US forces.

In an audio message posted on various militant Web forums Wednesday night, the group's leader in Afghanistan, Mustafa Abu al-Yazid, said terrorists were short on weapons, food and other supplies needed to fight American troops.

Last night I was watching satellite TV and saw an informercial for a new Franklyn Mint coin featuring "Death to the Jews" on one side and Bin Laden's face on the other. It seemed strange at the time. Now it makes sense.

"Forever" Is Less Than 7 Years

2009-06-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

Thought this was an interesting item. It's been a while since I've declared anyone a BFF (best friend forever), and that seems wise now. A sociologist did a study of people and their friend groups. From the article: "Utrecht University sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst surveyed 604 people about their friends and again seven years later, and found that only 48 percent of people’s original friends were still part of their network after that time period."

I am curious how this would look in my life. I recently went to two reunions of sorts. The first one with former co-workers and I still count many of them as friends and make an effort to keep in touch. My former boss' daughter is now 14 years old. I remember working an event in Golden Gate park when she was just three years old and clamoring to ride the carousel. Grown kids are annoying reminders of the passage of time.

I'm now tempted to make a list of everyone in my life right now, set my alarm clock for seven years from now and see what happens.

Now off to drink more coffee.

Bad Cop, Bad Cop

2009-06-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

I meant to post this story yesterday. I meant to, but I didn't.

A cop in Chicago beat up a man who was in a wheelchair. I'm not sure if the man in the wheelchair was more or less defenseless than the 72-year-old Texas grandmother (see previous entry). Either way, he's an a-hole, an a-hole that's going to prison. While I think the sentence is fair, some of his fellow officers do not:

Some officers said Cozzi was treated unfairly by Weis, a former FBI official brought in to head the Chicago department after a series of scandals involving officer misconduct.
"This is a message to all those officers in blue out there that after 15 years on the job you'll get thrown under the bus," defense attorney Terence P. Gillespie said after the sentencing.

Maybe the officers in blue should quit their jobs before they get to the point where they decide to, ah, beat up people in wheelchairs.

Non sequitur: Does your KFC chicken taste odd to you? It may be their "secret spices".

Texas Cop Tasers Grandmother

2009-06-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

Douche cop tasers a 72-year-old woman because he's an insecure, power-hungry douche too stupid to realize that he needs to limit his use of brutality when dealing with non-minorities. How could he not comprehend this? Minorities are scary; grandmothers are not. Everybody knows that.

What's even worse?

He had a DASH CAM IN HIS CAR!

The entire world now knows what a Dick (his actual name) Constable Richard McCain is.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for idiot cops like Dick. The public needs to see that not all cops keep us safe. Some cops just like to throw their weight around abuse their authority. It's important to remember that because not all of these incidents involve old grandmothers.

Best Baby Shower Gift Ever

2009-06-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

From here on out, I will ignore all baby registries and simply buy all my knocked-up friends Bullet Proof Baby products. Please do NOT tell me these products are fake. I need to believe in them.

Oh Yeah...That's What Skies Look Like

2009-06-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

Trapped at the Tucson International Airport right now. Weather in Denver has delayed my flight about an hour and a half. Fortunately, TIA has free wi-fi. The airport also has a bar. With the Laker Game on.

I thought I would spend some time driving around and visiting old haunts but that didn't really happen. Having a pool outside one's room is a disincentive to go anywhere. So my outings were limited to places were food was being served.

And I'm pretty sure I got a speeding ticket last night coming home. Apparently Tucson has installed "speed cameras" in various spots, one of those spots being the road my hotel was on. In a few weeks I'll probably have a souvenir brought to me in the mail. I'm hoping Budget Rental Car loses all my information. If anyone wants to crash their system on my behalf, have at it. Electronic speeding tickets are kind of like souvenirs from amusement parks. In the same way you get to see what you looked like shooting down the, ah, shoot of a log ride, speed cameras allow you a glimpse of what you looked like while you were breaking the law.

I bet in the future they'll come up with electronic breathalyzers that can home in on the alcohol level of your vehicle's cab. Those pictures will be priceless.

Is there a website yet where people can upload their red light violating, speed camera defying pictures? If not, it should happen soon.

Let the Pinata References Begin!

2009-06-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

I suspect a wise Latina cartoonist would have had better sense than a white male cartoonist to create this.

A pinata? Seriously?

I'm waiting for the one where they show her presiding over a quinceanera celebration. You know, because Latinos are all about quinceaneras and other Latino things.

Praise God or I'll Shoot

2009-06-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there's a connection between violent imagery or rhetoric and violent acts.

I doubt there's any connection at all, even though I'm sure you'll find some left wing nutcase who will find some way to make the case.

When evangelicals on the right call President Obama a socialist, a racist, anti-American, an abortionist, not a real American, and, echoing the former Vice President, someone who is weakening America's defenses and making us less safe, the logical conclusion is violence. If you take these words literally you might pull the trigger to "make America safe" and/or free us from communism or to even protect us from -- what some "Christian" leaders claim -- Obama as the Antichrist.

Conservatives were right to decry the Department of Homeland Security's report on rightwing extremism. It was politically motivated and complete BS, especially this part:

*
(U) Rightwing extremism in the United States can be broadly divided into those groups, movements, and
adherents that are primarily hate-oriented (based on hatred of particular religious, racial or ethnic groups),
and those that are mainly antigovernment, rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority, or
rejecting government authority entirely. It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a
single issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration.

Outrageous!

A New Movement

2009-05-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

Question: Is it possible to watch this video and not come to the conclusion that P. Diddy is a douche?

I don't think so.

Unfollow Diddy.

The New Face of Oppression

2009-05-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

In case you don't know, conservatives are the new blacks. At least, so says Rush Limbaugh.

"If ever a civil rights movement was needed in America, it is for the Republican Party. If ever we needed to start marching for freedom and constitutional rights, it's for the Republican Party. The Republican Party is today's oppressed minority, and it know how to behave as one."

I guess accountability, to someone who's never had to deal with it, must feel like discrimination. Whenever I'm challenged in an argument and proven wrong, it's like someone's spraying me directly in the face by a fire hose.

Rush, I'm willing to march on your behalf. Just say the word.

U.S. Supreme Court Nominee Maria Sotomayor

2009-05-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of questions surrounding Obama's nominee for U.S. Supreme Court Maria Sotomayor. The most important, and trenchant, question comes from the Associated Press: Sonia Sotomayor, The Movie: Who would star?

It's an incredibly well-researched article. They leave no Hispanic actress unturned.

_ Jennifer Lopez: Jenny From the Block comes from the same part of New York as Sotomayor, and she's already played a real-life, high-profile figure in "Selena," the film the made her a star. This take on Sotomayor's life would likely feature La Lopez in plenty of wardrobe changes, aside from the obligatory black robe, and gratuitous cutaways to her flawless hair and makeup.
_ Rosie Perez: Close your eyes and imagine how she would say the following sentence in her distinctively heavy Brooklyn accent: "Thank you, Mr. President, for the most humbling honor of my life." The intentions would be honorable, but unintentional hilarity factor could be high.

The hoopla surrounding the nomination of the first Hispanic to the U.S. Supreme Court is reminiscent of Clarence Thomas' nomination. In 1991 he became the second African American to serve on the Supreme Court. Although the Anita Hill controversy dominated much of the media coverage at the time, the Associated Press was there to ask the only question that really mattered: 'Clarence Thomas, The Movie': Who Would Star?:

_Gary Coleman: Close your eyes and imagine the sassy Coleman challenging the gangly David Souter over Hudson v. McMillian saying, 'Wha'tchoo talkin' 'bout, Souter!'
_Philip Michael Thomas: Goodbye Miami, hello D.C. Thomas could shed his sexy pastels and flashy image as a Miami detective for the somber robes and cerebral questions of a Supreme Court justice. Might be just the role to galvanize his career.
_Christopher "Kid" Reid: Kid would have to lose the flat top, but a charismatic hip hop artist might be key in getting younger audiences to care about law.

I have to run. ABC is doing an in-depth interview with a woman who rode the subway with Sonia in junior high.

Budding Psychopath or Filmmaker?

2009-05-25T14:52:00.001-07:00

CNN covered the story of a young girl who made a "shocking" cartoon video depicting the "Top 6 Ways to Kill Piper". Because the video appeared online and targeted a classmate, it necessitates hand-wringing from a national outlet and the requisite appearance by a psychologist to explain what might be going on in the mind of the girl who created the video. Some of the ways to kill Piper include shooting her, making her commit suicide, pushing her off a cliff and poisoning her.

I didn't watch the full "kill piper" video, but I don't think it included a double homicide disguised as a double suicide by the artful placement of key props. That would have been a clear case that the young girl was paying homage to "Heathers".

As it is, however, it appears this young girl channeled her anger at Piper into a video project which ended up online. And Piper and her mom are understandably upset. But are we really supposed to believe that young girls who harbor revenge fantasies are necessarily disturbed? I know I entertained many a disturbing thought when I was young. I was just too lazy to do anything with them.

So I'm torn. On the one hand I admire this girl's creativity. On the other, it's scary how much power the Internet has to shatter a kid's reputation or psyche.

I now need to get back to the video I'm making about my down stair neighbor Steve. He will rue the day he took my parking spot.

Don't F*ck Porcupines

2009-05-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

Should any readers be tempted to eff a porcupine, take a look at the above National Geographic video. As you can see, they mean business.

If you're still tempted to try it, read this article .

It's like my uncle always said, "You mess with the porcupine, you get the quills. In your genitalia."

Unholy Democrats

2009-05-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

The university Jerry Falwell founded, Liberty University, just pulled the plug on the campus democratic club.

Vice president of student affairs Mark Hine said in the e-mail sent to Diaz on May 15 that the Democratic party violates the school's principles by supporting abortion, socialism and the "'LGBT' agenda," referring to lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people. The e-mail said that even though the campus group "may not support the more radical planks of the Democratic Party, the Democratic Party is still the parent organization of the club on campus."

It's a bastion of tolerance.

I'd have more to say but I'm running out the door and more interested in starting the weekend than crafting a better response. But I DO have something more to offer: a recommendation.

Kevin Roose is a student at Brown University, which is positively teeming with dirty hippy liberals. He decided to take a semester off from that East Coast school and go undercover to...Liberty University. His Liberty University adventures are recounted in his new book "The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University."

It's sitting on my bookshelf as I write this. From what I've read so far, it's an entertaining read. And if you're curious about what life is like living among Evangelicals, he's got some good insight. And lest you think this is a book that slams Evangelicals, it's not.

And now I'm off.

Let the weekend begin!

Filthy Rich Now Only "Slightly Dirty" Rich

2009-05-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's a sad, sad day in this country when rich people have to open up their country clubs to commoners because of economic downturn. And when you start letting *those people* into your club, you can bet things will change. For starters, say goodbye to $30 filet mignon on the dinner menu and hello to "super nachos".

Last month, Uniontown Country Club opened its dining room to the public for the first time -- a change that has blurred the social hierarchy in this mountain town south of Pittsburgh. The economic crisis and shifting demographics have left Uniontown, population 13,000, without enough wealthy residents to sustain a private club, so now UCC caters to the everymen it was created to exclude.

You can't see my face right now, but there's a single tear rolling down my cheek.

Two of My Favorite Podcasts

2009-05-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

On my way to work this morning I was listening to a Jill Sobule interview on one of my favorite podcasts, Sound Opinions. I loosely describe Sound Opinions as the Siskel & Ebert of music in that the two hosts--Jim DeRogatis and Greg Kot--are music critics who write for the two Chicago dailies, the Chicago Sun-Times and the Chicago Tribune. Here's how they describe the podcast:

Take two nationally respected rock critics, the latest music news, personal commentary, and exclusive interviews and performances, add a huge pile of records old and new, and the result is Sound Opinions, the world's only rock and roll talk show.

The Jill Sobule interview is show #178 and she's joined in-studio by one of my favorite comedians, Julia Sweeney. Jill is the singer-songwriter who originally came out with the song "I Kissed a Girl" over a decade before Kate Perry. To raise money to make her latest album, she bypassed record labels and went directly to her fans to raise the funds to cover production costs. She talks about it in her interview.

Another podcast that makes me smile when I'm stuck in traffic is The Moth Podcast. Taped in New York and Los Angeles, The Moth features some of today's most entertaining authors and performers on stage recounting personal stories from their lives that can be, at times hilarious, at times heartbreaking, or both.

If you aren't familiar with either of these podcasts, check 'em out.

What do you guys listen to? Any recommendations?

Dipshit to Make Idiotic Point in Court

2009-05-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

Let me get this straight: When you make a provocative claim and people, quite predictively, react negatively, you should tie up the court system?

Paulo Serodio said that in 2006, he told a professor and classmates that he was "white, African, American," which he says accurately reflects the fact that he was born in Mozambique but later became a U.S. citizen.

He said some classmates and staff members at New Jersey Medical School found it offensive that a Caucasian man would call himself "African-American" and that the fallout led to harassment and eventually his suspension from the school.

My guess is that he also has a douche-y personality. Reminds me of the parents who were outraged that a ShopRite refused to write "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler" on their son's birthday cake. See, their son's name IS Adolf Hitler!

Why do we give obnoxious people a platform?

I think tomorrow I'll change my name to "A Straight White Male" and then try and sue anyone who gives me a hard time.

PLEASE Trespass on My Property. I DARE You.

2009-05-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

I think there are a lot of second amendment zealots who look forward to the chance to shoot someone "legally". And a lot of them probably look like the a-holes in the above pic.

Mother's Day in Chinatown

2009-05-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

Spent Mother's Day shooting in Chinatown with comics Hari Kondabalo and Greg Proops. This is us in the Grand Star Jazz Club after a stand-up show this afternoon.

I hope I don't jinx this project by writing about it, but I can say that this show would be AMAZING if it gets picked up, if only to hang out with Hari and Greg.

Spending time with Proops is like hanging out with a human encyclopedia. Want to talk about T.E. Lawrence, the Bataan Death March, the drug habits of your favorite legendary actors and anything related to cinema? Greg's your guy.

Anyway, I'm a big fan of both these guys and have got my fingers crossed that I'll be able to work with them in the relative near future.

Happy Mother's Day, all.

Sykes Pwns Limbaugh and Hannity

2009-05-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

I caught Wanda preparing for WH Correspondent's Dinner Wednesday night at the Improv. It's on my Tivo right now and I will hopefully get to watch it before the weekend is over. Great to have a sharp, fearless comic host one of these things. Colbert was fantastic.

Dick Cheney Now Teaching Gun Safety

2009-05-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

That's what I gather after reading the beginning of this story.

I was too afraid to get to the end. Did the person survive?

Where Do You Buy Your Furniture?

2009-05-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

If you don't get it at The Red House, you're probably racist...or don't live in North Carolina.

Paul Abdul "Reveals" Painkiller Addiction

2009-05-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

I just liked the People Magazine headline on the Ladies Home Journal feature, "Paula Abdul Reveals Struggle with Painkiller Addiction". Reveals? As in, tells us something we didn't already know?

Paula, we watch TV. We know.

In other news, Kirstie Alley revealed that she's gained weight. I guess it's a lot easier to keep the pounds off when a corporation is paying you a lot of money. I've always felt there is nothing I can't accomplish with the right corporate backing. If Bally's or 24 Hour Fitness wants to put me on their payroll, I'll have washboard abs in no time.

Shooting with Hari

2009-04-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

Working on what could be an amazing project if it goes through. Today I'll be off shooting something with Hari Kondabolu, an hilarious and thought-provoking comic. You should check out his stuff if you're unfamiliar with him.

In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed. I won't say too much because 1) I don't know if I can legally say anything and 2) I don't want to jinx this.

Other White Meat Virus

2009-04-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

For some reason, people are continuing to refer to the latest flu outbreak as "Swine Flu", despite the fact that a more accurate name would be H1N1 Virus. The most vociferous opponents of the name "Swine Flu" happen to be U.S. pork producers, who think we should call it "H1N1 Virus". Clearly their marketing department did not give this new name a lot of thought.

Where U.S. pork producers failed, Israeli politicians succeeded. In Israel, they no longer refer to the virus as "Swine Flu", but not because they worry about the fate of pork sales. Israelis deemed the name too offensive because of Jewish and Muslim sensibilities toward pork. They opted for the less-offensive name: "Mexican Influenza."

Surprisingly enough, Mexican officials are not on the same page as their Israeli counterparts. In fact, one Mexican health official, Jose Cordova, thinks we might be jumping the gun in claiming the outbreak originated in Mexico. Said Cordova, "Where did the virus come from? We don't know. Did someone come from California or did someone go from Mexico to California? We don't have that information." Cordova thinks we should call the virus, "Pinche Gringo Flu."

This name business is serious business. Maybe we should come up with some names that EVERYBODY can get behind.

Suggestions?

Bye Bea

2009-04-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Bea. You made old people watchable again.

Wow. I'm a jerk.

Mexico a Hotbed of Flu

2009-04-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

And not the good flu, either. Cases of swine flu have been popping up. I guess they were jealous of all the attention China was getting with the avian flu incidents and decided something had to be done.

The World Health Organization is monitoring the situation closely. Cases of swine flu have now been identified in Southern California, Kansas and New York, so it's spreading.

I went on an ass-kicking, 10 + mile hike yesterday and am convinced I'm going to get Lyme disease. If a tick lands on my arm, I can catch it. If it lands in my hair... Suffice it to say I'm probably going to get Lyme disease. But not JUST Lyme disease. See, before the hike I stopped at a grocery store for snacks and there was a tamale lady in the parking lot so I got a pork tamale to satiate my hunger. The pork tamale coupled with the tick that's no doubt bitten me, will probably make me the first person to get Lyme-Swine disease.

I just want to say it was nice knowing all of you. If I end up in the hospital, don't try to visit. I'd hate to pass this on to any of you.

On Set

2009-04-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a pic from the set of "Happiness Isn't Everything". From left to right: Ben Schwartz, Me, Mary Steenburgen, Michelle Krusiec and Mitch Hurwitz.

Big ups to Michelle Krusiec who said she would email me the picture and then...ACTUALLY EMAILED ME THE PICTURE.

Who says actors are flaky?

Wanted: Investors for Sure-Fire Money-Making Scheme

2009-04-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

With the stock market in the tank, I've come across a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity, but I need to act fast, and I need some help with raising the dough. That's where you folks come in. I propose we all go in on becoming co-parents to a media sensation.

We'll love her all equally, and we'll all be responsible for her expenses (acting classes, school, food, clothing, etc.).

I'm working out the details now, but please contact me if you're serious about going in on this.

Yours,
L.

Gonna File an Extension Today

2009-04-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Yay tax day!

Last week I found out I owe money from last year still. That's exciting. Being disorganized has consequences apparently.

Finished shooting the pilot yesterday and had a great time. The cast was lovely and I was just happy to be involved in a script read-through with people like Richard Dreyfuss and Mary Steenburgen. That alone was worth it.

And now I'm back to my regularly scheduled life...which means I need to get back to work.

And taxes.

Ugh.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

If you haven't yet checked out the Peeps Show III, it's a must-see. Enjoy!

What Does This Mean?

2009-04-11T14:47:00.001-07:00

One of the blogs I visit frequently forwarded me to this warning. Does this mean the website has malware? Geeks, please explain.

Went hiking with nerds today, including one of my favorite nerds, Blair Butler. Love that certain real-life terrain reminds gamers of video games.

Off to shower and head out again.

ASU Sucks

2009-04-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

Stories like this one make me happy I went to U of A over ASU (though I never even considered going to ASU). Here's the gist:

Arizona State University has added a new wrinkle to commencement controversies. After inviting the president to speak to graduates, the university says Obama hasn't done enough to deserve an honorary degree from the school.

ASU used to be ranked the #1 party school in the nation. It's a little ironic they're now pretending to be discerning. Crappy Notre Dame issued an honorary degree to Obama. That's because they don't take education seriously.

ASU issued an honorary degree to Barry Goldwater. I guess WINNING the presidency counts against you.

Things are still hectic. I booked the CBS pilot "Happiness Isn't Everything" and will be shooting it on Monday and Tuesday next week. And last week I was producing on a documentary covering "Dinah Shore Weekend" that I think is going to be awesome when it comes out.

AND if anyone doubts that I'm incredibly powerful in this town, look no further than this list of the Top 10 Gay Characters on TV. Ten points to anyone who can guess whose career I'm personally responsible for launching.

Okay. I've got to get back to the business of segment producing.

Italians Enjoy Nature-Imposed "Camping Weekend"

2009-04-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Silvio Berlusconi, Italy's leading optimist and current Prime Minister, is under attack by negative Nellies who can't abide Berlusconi's upbeat response to the earthquake that rocked central Italy. He urged newly-homeless Italians to think of the quake as a "camping weekend". I'm used to political correctness run amok in the U.S., and am surprised to see it in Italy as well. It's a sad day when a nation's leader can't put a positive spin on a natural disaster. These are the same people who balked at referring to the Thai tsunami four years ago as a "national water park".

I'm just tired of the negativity.

A Prescription for Sex?

2009-04-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

I've been juggling a lot of projects and haven't been able to bring my incisive commentary to bear on the important issues of the day. For example, I should have already posted about this story in which Iranian scientists posit that sex might be an affordable cure for hay fever. Is this science real? Because I suspect the story might be a plant by Ahmadinejad. Still trying to wrap my head around what he hopes to accomplish by pushing this nonsense.

Ummmm....going back to my writer's block. Can. Not. Concentrate.

P.S.
Who knew Mahmoud had his own website?

CADIE

2009-04-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

LOVE the new Google application CADIE. Can't wait until the create the automatic blog generator.

I'm Never Using the Internet Again

2009-03-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

I don't think Conficker is supposed to affect Macs, but I'm still a little paranoid. My advice? Update your security patches. Withdraw all your cash from the bank and put it in a safe and bury it in the backyard. Cancel all your credit cards. Switch to analog porn. Only purchase food from local ethnic markets. Pay in cash. Create an alternate identity using the birth certificate of a dead guy and open a checking account in his or her name. Never have more than $100 in the fake account.

I will update my advice throughout the day...unless I don't.

Forget Mexican Drug Cartels, Detergent Trafficking on the Rise

2009-03-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

Spokane, Washington has become a hotbed of smuggling activity. I wouldn't be surprised if the danger spilled over into Canada.

Thank God I live in Los Angeles where we're relatively unaffected...for now.

Don't Mess With Texas

2009-03-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

Because the state's kind of messed up as it is.

Faith is great, but it's not science. The Texas story reminded me of this one.

60 Foot Phallus Flummoxes Parents

2009-03-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

Google Earth was the inspiration behind the ginormous, secret work of art that one Brit teen painted on the roof of his parent's million-pound home.

Best part of the story? The teen never told his parents. The parents found out when a reporter contacted them after art was spotted by a helicopter.

To Protect and Tweet

2009-03-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

Looks like EVERYONE is jumping on the Twitter bandwagon. I've just come across a handful of articles about police departments across the country posting Twitter updates.

I am now following the Boynton Beach Police Department, the Sacramento Police Department (they need to get cracking), Baltimore PD (I heart "The Wire) and I may add more police departments.

I don't think they're following me on Twitter...yet. At the very least, I'm hoping that my own tweets might provide the very alibi I may need to escape a murder charge. You never know when someone will link you to a crime you didn't commit. And if you spent the night at home, watching TV by yourself, you're screwed.

That was valuable advice. You're welcome.

Happy Pi Day

2009-03-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

I just learned that today is Pi Day. How long have people been celebrating this mathtastic day? I can't believe I've missed out on Pi-related festivities all these years. I'll be honest. It doesn't feel good. It feels like the world has been keeping a big secret from me, and I only find out today, accidentally. I have a lot of catching up to do.

So, like, how are you supposed to celebrate Pi, and is it possible to celebrate math without having to actually do any math? Because that's how I'd like to celebrate. Maybe I could read a nice short story about math. Maybe I rent the first season of "NUMB3RS" on DVD. I don't know.

Suggestions?

Not Hello Kitty

2009-03-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

If anyone makes their own videos from Xtranormal.com, let me know. FifthDream just created this. Very funny.

I Guess I DO Have Too Much Free Time

2009-03-13T14:39:00.001-07:00

Some Day I'll Have This Much Free Time

2009-03-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

I made it through two minutes. I'll give you a dollar if you watch all 27 minutes.

the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

Political Attack Ads in El Salvador

2009-03-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Democrats and Republicans really need to take note: Their ads have NOTHING on attack ads run by the political parties of El Salvador.

Here's an ad attacking ARENA candidate Rodrigo Avila. At :36 in, an ominous voice announces, "Avila es un asesino", which means "Avila is a killer". Not a killer of jobs, or dreams, or anything like that. He's a straight up killer. It's okay, though, because he admitted to it on TV. Still, his opponents want voters to remember that fact when they go to the polls.

What do supporters of Rodrigo think of adversary Mauricio Funes who belongs to the FMLN party? Mauricio's a great candidate, as long as you don't have a problem with the fact that he belongs to a party made up of drug and arms traffickers. Also, they kill too.

I look forward to the day we get to see ads like these in our own presidential elections.

When Chimps [plan for] Attack!

2009-03-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

Lest you think feces or rock throwing were spontaneous events launched by chimps in the heat of the moment, they're not.

WASHINGTON (AFP) - A scientist who watched a rock-throwing chimpanzee gather an arsenal to use against zoo visitors said his research could prove primates prepare for the future in a similar way to humans.

Over the course of a decade researcher Mathias Osvath said he watched Santino, a male chimpanzee, calmly collect stones and fashion concrete discs before visitors arrived each day at a Swedish zoo.

Later, the chimp would hurl the rocks across a moat toward onlookers.

This proves two things I already knew: 1) Chimps plan for the future and 2) Swedish people suck.

I have no doubt one of the chimps at the zoo was forced to assemble a Leksvik with one of those crappy allen wrenches, only to find that the thing fell apart the minute he climbed on it. This after he walked the 13 miles through Ikea to even find the section he wanted, all the while stuck behind hordes of couples stopping at every piece of furniture as they plan their new home together and wondered if the Grankulla Munkarp would fit in the breakfast nook, or if they should play it safe and get the Lycksele Havet instead.

Of COURSE the chimps planned their attacks carefully. If humans were smart, we'd do the same. Maybe then we'd have sturdier furniture that assembled easily.

Haagan-Dazs for Your Hoo Ha

2009-03-05T17:16:00.000-08:00

This is great news. Ice cream may help prevent HIV.

But it looks as if it might have to be applied topically.

My New Favorite Advice Columnist

2009-03-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I'm too judgmental and I feel guilty about it. In those moments I turn to my new favorite advice columnist Amber and learn that I'm not judgmental enough. I have a lot further to go. It's inspiring!

You Down with JTP?

2009-03-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

Yeah, you know me!

I needed at least ONE souvenir from my trip to DC. I now must check out of my hotel and do something tourist-y.

Sick of Airplane Jokes?

2009-02-27T18:12:00.000-08:00

Ryanair is about to singlehandedly give bad comics a million more hours of annoying airplane jokes. Sadly, I'm too busy to come up with more on my own. I think I could get away with it at this moment in time, but soon this bit of news will be all over the place.

I'm still in D.C. At CPAC. I have spent the bulk of my time in my hotel room sending emails and working, but just walking around the hotel has given me a new theory: I haven't confirmed this with anyone, but I'm pretty sure that when guys join the Republican party they're automatically given a blue blazer, khaki pants and a red tie. This place is lousy with blazers!

Don't Trust Nurses

2009-02-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

This kind of story must send a chill through the extreme sex play community.

Two nurses were fired after allegedly taking camera phone pics of someone's x-ray.

The patient was admitted to the emergency room with an object lodged in his rectum. Police said the nurse explained she and a co-worker snapped photos when they learned it was a sex device. Police said discussion about the incident was posted on her Facebook page, but they haven't found anyone who actually saw the pictures.

Are the nurses bad people? Who knows? The simple truth is that ordinary human beings are incapable of resisting the urge to document such a sight. If I worked in that hospital, I would have done the same thing, but I would have done it discreetly . My picture wouldn't have been posted on a public forum. I would have been very respectful and merely shown all my friends the picture IN PERSON. I would never forward the picture either. It would be safe, on my phone.

Awesome Aussie

2009-02-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

Got to hang out with Aussies today backstage at the Independent Spirit Awards, and I'm pleased to announce that I can now cross "pet a kangaroo"off my bucket list.

The experience has made me want to take another trip to Australia. It's a good thing that V Australia is opening up new routes to Melbourne and Brisbane in the coming year. Not only that, airfare is so affordable, it would be a crime NOT to go to Australia!

Got a lot of fun interviews with attendees and have developed about 8 more crushes, one of whom being "The Wire's" Andre Royo, aka "Bubbles", who was one of the best-dressed actors I saw all day, and a charming, down-to-earth cat.

Thelma & Louise II

2009-02-17T12:56:00.001-08:00

This is perhaps the best "ready for screenplay adaptation" news story ever. It's got sex, money, death, deception and a spectacular ending.

It's also a tragedy. Real people were involved with this; it's awful, we shouldn't make light of horrible events, etc.

But WOW!

Ummm...getting back to work now.

R.I.P.

2009-02-16T16:55:00.000-08:00

My iPod, my ancient, ancient iPod, has officially died. I've spent this President's Day weekend tending to my various gadgets and things.

Yesterday I had a setback with my new Western Digital drive (see below. or don't. really not that interesting). It decided not to let my computer recognize it. So today, because I like to take full advantage of any days off I might have, I made an appointment with the Mac Genius Bar to see if they could salvage my little iPod. They can't. I then whipped out my WD drive. In short order they reformatted it and it's ready to go.

So now I'm copying tons and tons of files, files I will never need to look at ever again. Still, I copy them.

I was able to cross off "Fix WD drive" on my "To Do" list today. The next item, "Get a Life", will have to wait for some other time.

Geek Challenge: Why Do Tech Gods Hate Me?

2009-02-15T16:13:00.000-08:00

All right, geeks. Can someone explain what just happened to me? I shall explain:

For my one big errand/project today, I drove all the way to Santa Monica to purchase a 1 Terabyte drive. My goal? Transfer all my video files and computer back-ups to one drive so I could free up space on my various portable external drives. After all, one can never have too many external hard drives, right? I plug in my new Western Digital Studio, get the "My Book" icon on my desktop, and then plug in my Seagate drive to start transferring files. The Seagate drive causes my computer to freeze up and my screen is taken over by a grey graphic prompting me to "restart my computer". This is not the first time this drive has caused computers to freeze up.

So I unplug that drive, and reload the Western Digital drive. Now it gives me this screen:

Naturally I do a search on the WD support page and can find no FAQ that directly matches my initial search. So I decide to "initialize". I try both the "repair" and "verify disc" options, but to no avail. I get this message:

WHHHHYYYYYYYYY!!!! How does a product fail me less than 10 minutes after taking it out of its box?

My Newest Obsession

2009-02-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

This man will be my future husband, no matter how many dragons I have to slay in order to be with him.

Hey A**hole, We're F*cking Union

2009-02-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

This video just got Republican Eric Cantor in hot water. It's inappropriate of a sitting member of Congress to send this out. It would be equally inappropriate of me if I didn't share this with you. Gator just informed me that this video has been floating around the Internet for a while. He loves to show off his Internet prowess. Whatever.I discovered it today.

The Danger of Facebook's Photo Tagging Feature

2009-02-10T14:19:00.000-08:00

It took a few years, but my high school and college friends have recently discovered Facebook. How do I know? Because pictures of me that belong in a dusty shoebox hidden underneath old sweaters in peoples' closets are suddenly starting to resurface. No, not the cute college pictures. The other ones. The ones that reveal my questionable choice of attire, before I discovered skin care salons or Russian eyebrow waxers.

I don't think Facebook should allow any pictures online that were scanned from prints. It's BS. It also makes me wonder if I have any friends. Do these "friends" harbor resentment toward me? Did I offend them back in the day? Is this their revenge?

I'm going to do some soul-searching now.

Also, I taped an interview with National Lampoon Radio yesterday that will air next Thursday on Sirius. Or is it XM? I think I embarrass myself. It's all a blur now. But if you have satellite radio, and want to hear me put my foot in my mouth and insult a lot of nice people, check it out.

Facebook Divorce

2009-02-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

I guess it would be better to learn about a divorce via Facebook than a child. Come to think of it, if I get pregnant any time soon, I could get a lot of press by alerting the dad on Facebook. It would make headlines all over the world! I'd get on the late night shows!

Guess I know what I'll be doing this weekend...

My Baby Still Hasn't Arrived

2009-02-04T17:38:00.001-08:00

I have my external drive with me so I can load her up with programs as soon as she arrives. She left China last week for Alaska. She left Alaska for Louisville, KY. Today she left Kentucky and UPS informs me that she should arrive in Gardena tomorrow. I'm praying that means a nice UPS guy will deliver her to the office sometime tomorrow. I called Apple to complain that the 2-4 business day promise was bogus. My goal was to get free classes out of them. That plan didn't work; however, they did offer to give me a case for her. So although I'm disappointed, I have to give Apple credit for this gesture.

In other corporate dealings, I lost over an hour of my life on hold with AT&T this afternoon. I grudgingly give them money for cell phone service and Internet. Do I want to spend $150 a month to bundle my services? When the woman asked me, I had to say, "I don't trust your company. Your company illegally spies on its clients". And she was like, "I'll take that as a no." I think it's great that I hate my cell phone provider, but am too lazy to switch to another service.

I'm Like Nostradamus

2009-02-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, this is what I wrote Michael Phelps would say:

He should pretend he made a terrible error in judgement, apologize to his fans and his product sponsors, and promise to never do it again (in front of dip shits with camera phones)

This is his actual statement regarding the bong behavior:

I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.

It's almost as if people who get paid to manage a person's image wrote something for Phelps and had him deliver the statement to people who get paid to to write about people for whom other people write. Essentially, the only time we get to actually see what certain people are really like, is when they let their guard down and it ends up on Facebook.

Phelps Used New Asthma Medication Delivery System

2009-01-31T17:28:00.000-08:00

At least that's the defense I would go with if I were stupid enough to use a bong in front of a bunch of college students I didn't know. Then again, athletes aren't generally known for their smarts.

Hey celebrities-who-make-money-off-their-squeaky-clean-images: It's called "behind closed doors". That's where you're supposed to do things like bong hits and get your underage drinking on. Never mind that we do it too. That's our business. Your business is to maintain the illusion that you're pure, so that we will purchase products.

Although maybe it's time we rethink this strategy. Maybe it's time for us to stop being nice, and start being real. Why do the Michael Phelps' of the world have to hawk cereal and tomato sauce? Phelps already had a stain on his record for driving under the influence. Why shouldn't he be the face of Jagermeister? He could do, "I now get trashed responsibly" ads, featuring him puking in the backseat of his designated driver's car.

Just kidding! He should pretend he made a terrible error in judgement, apologize to his fans and his product sponsors, and promise to never do it again (in front of dip shits with camera phones).

Then we could go back to thinking our heroes tossed back broccoli and skinless chicken to let loose.

Oh No They DIH-ent!

2009-01-30T13:15:00.001-08:00

Yes they did! Michael Steele is now the RNC chair.

Although it happened only moments ago, Chip Saltsman has already sent out a commemorative CD featuring the song "Steele the Magic Negro" to honor this historic event.

It's like that old saying: "The darker the berry, the better chance for getting important legislation passed in a bi-partisan fashion."