Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Going Psyop on Myself

In a desperate attempt to become productive, I've recently begun employing
psychological warfare techniques on the enemy--myself. It's clear that therapy will take a while, and I don't have that kind of time. I have an important deadline looming and the nefarious bejewled has seduced me with her shiny, yet deadly, sapphire stones and exploding cabbage.

For those of you not familiar with PSYOP, here's a description I stole from another site:

Psychological Operations (PSYOP) or Psychological Warfare (PSYWAR) is simply learning everything about your target enemy, their beliefs, likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. Once you know what motivates your target, you are ready to begin psychological operations.

Psychological operations may be defined broadly as the planned use of communications to influence human attitudes and behavior ... to create in target groups behavior, emotions, and attitudes that support the attainment of national objectives. The form of communication can be as simple as spreading information covertly by word of mouth or through any means of multimedia.

Know thy enemy. My enemy is mentally weak, easily distracted and loath to finish anything with a deadline. If she has an important performance in the evening, you'll likely find her preparing for it by taking a three hour snack break in front of the TV followed by a series of phone calls to friends telling them how nervous and unprepared she feels. Approximately one hour before the performance, she'll start thinking about what she's going to say and how to say it and have approximately fifteen minutes to do so before leaving for the venue.

The key to defeating this type of enemy is to trick her into thinking she's procrastinating, when, in actuality, she's accomplishing something worthwhile. But how?

Come up with a list of unpleasant things to do, starting with the most important. For argument's sake, let's say her most important task is preparing for a certain event. It's clear she won't sit down and start preparing for the event. Her mind doesn't work that way. It needs a distraction. Normally, this is where bejewled comes in. Instead of bejewled, however, the subject procrastinates by completing lesser tasks on the list such as cleaning the house and calling her accountant, the first step in dealing with taxes.

This may not seem like a big deal, but the subject is notoriously bad with taxes and one year didn't file at all. The reason this psychological technique works is that the subject still feels guilty for ignoring her most important task which, in turn, makes her feel like she's goofing off. And when she's done "goofing off", she'll sit in a clean house and be ahead of the game tax-wise.

This PSYOPS thing is still new to me, so I haven't figured out how to accomplish what I really need to accomplish, but this is a start.

Last night I spent hours going through the Dreamweaver tutorial and actually learned how to do a few things. There's a good chance I'll become a competent web designer before I finish what I really need to finish.

If anyone has other suggestions, let me know. I must defeat my enemy.


RedLobo said...

Dear Mr. Swisher,

I think you are a very funny man. I check your blog every ten seconds for updates everyday. Wait a sec...... Okay, still nothing new.

As I was saying, I believe you are the wittist blog writer I have ever read and would like to propose something to you. Hold on ..... Nope nothing new posted.

I would like to propose that you seek out professional help for your obsessive-compulsive disorder. A "friend" of me has a disorder just like...Hang on....WHY IS THERE NOTHING NEW POSTED?!

Anyway, My doctor...my "friends" doctor is helping him get better through electroshock therapy and yoja. Although, Dr. Pepper does not speak directly, I absorb his thoughts and feelings through a straw. Just a minute....THERE ARE STILL NO NEW POSTS? WHY? WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU POST SOMETHING?

Sorry about that. If I consume too much of the good Doctor I start hearing things from your website.

Yours Forever Every Ten Seconds,

P.S. Your a man right? If your a woman its okay, but my neighbor Mr. Pibb doesn't like woman. Isn't that right, Aunt Jemima?

Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I propose the following:

1. Lists, make lots of lists.
2. Increase caloric intake via Chewy Spree and/or Red Hots
3. Consume Salmon/Tuna/Shrimp three times a week. (Not together of course.)
4. Incorporate lists into flash cards
5. Make lists of remaining lists yet to be listed.

samureye said...

Um, RedLobo, the swish is a (rather sexy) woman.

tokyocrunch said...

swish's bescruffed adam's apple


MastaShaq said...

roffle, samureye that was sarcasm, the fact he knows people named dr. pepper and mr. pibb didnt tip you off to that?

dingo said...

Ok to help you with your psyop... You don't have to read Art of War or anything..
Start playing more Tetris.
Tell all your friends to piss off.
Eat something your really love.


dingo said...

Guess I'm not your regular blogger
faint visions
Psyops on my Pops
While I'm living
it could never happen
I'll be forever bloggin'
no wait..
forever rappin
whatever I live
10% tithes
why you only gimme 5
I could really use a hand shake
I loved you before an after the land shaked changin the axis
deranged an we act swift
Ong bac kickflips
couldnt counter one axe kick
relaxed fit
when facts flipped.

MastaShaq said...

yay! freestyle!

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