Blue Balls Are COOL!

Or...How to Talk About Sex with Teens.

Despite news reports to the contrary, the best way to teach teenagers about being sexually responsible is to let them know that sex is unhealthy. Because the subject is uncomfortable and icky, rather than discuss the topic, I advise parents and teens to check out the government website4parents.gov. There you'll learn that abstinence is the healthiest choice you can make because it's the only way you can avoid unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease and rabies. We all need to work together and talk about how neat it is to wait until marriage before, you know, doing it.

If possible, parent and child should review the website in separate rooms, apart from one another. After reading the site, should the child have any questions, it's best that he or she email the parent, and pretend that it's from someone anonymous so that both parties can pretend they're not really talking about sex with one another.

More facts teens should know:

--The sooner you have sex, the less likely you'll be able to find a job in the future.

--Girls who have sex before 18 smell different, and no amount of perfume can cover the stench of indecency.

--Condoms are made from puppy hides, and it takes two puppies to make one condom. That's RUFF!

--Virgins are 20 times more likely to be famous than non-virgins.

--Boys who have sex before marriage often turn gay.

--Gays are retarded.

--Girls who have abortions are more likely to commit murder AND gain weight.

--Using an oral contraceptive causes unwanted facial hair growth.

--A 43 week old fetus is a thinking person already capable of playing checkers; also volleyball.

Please, talk to your kids about sex. And if you don't have kids, tell other peoples' kids how to behave. Let's take our country back!