Friday, July 22, 2005

My Neighbor, the Sex Offender

I honestly don't know if my neighbor is a sex offender or not. I'm acting on the assumption he isn't because he has a really cute dog and I can't imagine sex offenders would have a Ridgeback as their dog of choice. On top of that he hasn't assaulted me yet and I've worn some outfits that I think would test any offender's willpower. By that I mean sometimes walk my dog in short shorts and a spaghetti strap top in the morning. It's what I sleep in and I'm often too lazy to change before taking Bean out. It's really not all that hot, but to someone with those kind of demons, it would be hard to resist.

Why am I even talking about sex offenders? Because the National Sex Offender Public Registry is now online. For whatever reason, California's database is inaccessible (perhaps because CA has its own list...?). I don't know how to see who lives in my neck of the woods. Instead I did searches on places where I used to live, mainly Arizona. Sure enough, when I typed in some of my old zip codes, many a pockmarked face popped up. Actually, one zip code only yielded one guy. Perhaps I lived in an undesirable rape neighborhood. It was kind of out in the boonies, leading me to believe that rapists and child molesters are afraid of rattlesnakes. But when I checked a neighborhood near the University, well, rapists/molesters aplenty.

Here is what I learned from a 10 minute perusal of this site. You always here that it's impossible to know what "bad people" look like. They're supposed to look like everyone else, right? Wrong. Judging from the pics I just looked at, bad people look like bad people. Granted, there were a couple guys that just looked out of shape in a non-threatening way, but the rest of them were scary looking. So I've compiled a short list of things to watch out for:

--Bad skin
--Oddly-colored skin (maybe hepatitis-hued with sunburn thrown in, a yellowish red)
--Eyes that are uneven
--Over 40
--Poorly groomed facial hair
--General level of unattractiveness

If you're at all like me, you tend to avoid people like this automatically, on instinct. So there's a good chance my shallowness could save my life.

Before you get all upset and point out that there are, in fact, attractive sex offenders, and that dangerous people come in all shapes and sizes, allow me to point out some exceptions to the rules. My main argument is that people who end up on the National Sex Offenders list are, for the most part, scary looking. That doesn't mean that ONLY scary-looking people are bad. It just means that scary looking people don't have access to good legal representation.

There are plenty of attractive, well-dressed, well-groomed sex offenders. These sex offenders socialize together and are often members of elitist organizations known for keg parties and khaki pants. These guys won't end up on the national list because their fathers are lawyers, judges or captains of industry. Just know to be wary if you date a guy who wears Abercrombie & Fitch. That's all I'm going to say about that.

If anyone knows why the national registry doesn't have CA on it, please lemme know. Also, to my good friends Eva and Kelley, you guys have some sketchy folks living in your hood. See above pic.

41 comments:

VagabondLoafer said...

Laura, I haven’t been to the national site. Our state site has been around for a few years though. I don’t believe the state data are updated very often. And the offenders’ addresses might not be current as they’re on the honor system to report their information you know.
I thought there would be many more listings. We have just eight in our zip but one right around the corner. Everyone in the neighborhood including several resident cops knows about him. But this information doesn’t keep parents from turning their kids loose at 5 or 6 years of age and up to roam the neighborhood streets from dawn to well after dusk. Such is life in suburbia.
Ouch Laura, your short list hits a little too close to home. At first glance I thought I might have scored a 4 out of 6. But after some solemn reflection I realized I only met one, or at times, two on your list. Whew!
Found an old CBS story from 2003 “Calif. 'Loses' 33,000 Sex Offenders.” Maybe California doesn’t have any more offenders to list. Good for Cali!

ChozSun said...

Yea, I scored 2 out of 6: Poorly groomed facial hair and general unattractiveness. In ten years, I will score 3/6.

Yea me, gold star.

Sean said...

I'm 3/6...but I haven't shaved since summer vacation and I plan on doing that right after I finish this comment. The power of the Blog is forcing me to turn on the electric shaver.

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Butternut said...

The power of the Blog compels you! The power of the Blog compels you!

It takes no demons and infinite willpower to resist the power of the Swish. Especially with the shorty shorts. Hoo buddy.

Woot, under 40, groomed facial hair, and wear Banana Republic. I'm in the safe zone. You know, this sounds like a Cosmo quiz, or so I'm told. I think you're on to something, Laura.

What about Great Danes? Hey, at least it's not a Pit Bull.

No kidding, I saw a guy that looks like that picture with a baseball hat on driving a Mercedes in Santa Monica today. I guess Brentwood has wealthier offenders. He did have a woman in the passenger seat next to him though. Her hair was just as bad. Little less of a beard too.

The power of The Swish compels you!

Aaron said...

I know this last blog post was written jokingly, however I'd just like to state that..I work at a library..and occasionally someone comes in that for some reason gives me an odd feeling. I checked the NY State registy and found a couple of them in there. It's kind of nuts..there's quite a few of them right in my neighborhood. Kind of unsettling..but then again..what are you gonna do, clear out a state and ship them all there?

Oh also they were quite young and average looking. Around my age (26) or younger.

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scapegoat said...

http://theywerewrong.blogspot.com/ < This is me, a sex offender as well. It's a travesty that they lump a list of crimes under this "Scarlet Letter Brand". I wonder what type of monster will be invented next. People in general don't care for the "how" or "why". I understand alot of people do not know the law[under-educated], fear the unknown, nor even have taken the chance to review a case-file concerning these individuals. They just accept things at their face-value instead of looking deeper.

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