Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Watch Porn, Lose Weight: It's the Law

Read an article on a technique Indian officials use to combat visits to porn theaters. I realized that this method might backfire if attempted in West Hollywood. In an effort to reduce attendance at smut theaters, Indian police are forcing apprehended patrons to do sit-ups in a public square as onlookers watch. Teenagers that are caught have to do sit-ups in front of their parents. Ewwwwww. Surely that has to be humiliating for the parents as well.

Should this punishment catch on in the states, I can easily see porn theaters sprouting up next to gyms to facilitate the duel pastimes of working out and getting off. Or even taking it one step further by having a theater with yoga mats on the floor to combine the two.

THE LATEST OLDEST COUPLE MARRIES
Remember when I wrote about an old couple in England that got married (June 27)? Well, they've been beat by an American couple out of Philadelphia. You know the Philly couple were going to live in sin until they came across the Brit couple. Then they were like, "Ef that, Ethel. WE'RE gonna be the oldest married couple." So they got hitched. Here's the sad part. I just read that Percy, the 105-year-old Brit, died. I suspect homicide.

NO EXCUSES ALCOHOLICS
You know who you are. Whenever someone questions you about your copious intake of alcohol, you spew out a few facts to buy yourself some legitimacy: "Wine is really good for you. The tannins or something help keep the arteries unclogged and look at how healthy the French are. THE FRENCH ARE HEALTHY!" Guess what? Dark chocolate is now shown to lower blood pressure as well. Now all the overweight folks will rush out to Sees Candy. Not so fast! Alcoholics, switch to chocolate. Chocoholics, switch to alcohol. It's all about balance.

GOVERNMENT REWARDS VIRGINITY
Virgin girls in Uganda get their university fees paid. On the one hand, this is kind of offensive. On the other hand, FREE SCHOOL! I've got a lot of friends still paying off their student loans. If they weren't such whores, this could have been a great money-saver for them. I didn't have to worry about this one way or the other because I got super super cheap tuition (thanks Professor Mom) AND I am still a virgin. Either way this wouldn't have affected me. These poor girls actually have to be examined by a doctor to ensure they are, in fact, "virgins". And what of the ones who had accidents on a pommel horse? Looks like they're paying. And the boy virgins? Nothin'. Just the shame that they are boy virgins. Oh, the worst part, the girls have to remain virgins throughout college. WHAT?! That's when you're supposed to go crazy (in a safe way, of course).

All for now.

43 comments:

L said...

YOU'RE not a virgin! are you?

DogsDontPurr said...

Isn't there a song,

"Like a virgin....."???!

Antonio Gramsci said...

All the smart girls who want to go far in life in Uganda will now start taking it up the ass.

No, really, it's true. Have you heard about all the "True Love Waits" girls in the USA who are big assfuck afficionados now? Assfucking and blowjobs are the rage among kids who have pledged to cling to their virginity.

It's the madonna/whore/Jenna complex, all over again.

Butternut said...

Where is this happening, Antonio? I'm in the market for a house and I'm willing to relocate!

"Watch Porn, Lose Weight: It's the Law" Around here it sure is!! Bum-chicha-waa-waa. Now give me 20!

Porn, it does a body good.

So do they have to do sit-ups while watching porn? Because that might be a little, difficult.

What kinda professor? I'm guessing English or Lit. or something.

Most alcoholics I know just say "Yeah, so?" or "Well I'm Irish" or "Shaddup and go to your room!".

Well I'm gonna go eat chocolate, drink wine, watch porn and work out. With a virgin. In France. From behind. Bum-chicha.

Antonio Gramsci said...

Coming to a red state near you, Butternut. Look for school districts who have dropped sex ed for "abstinence only" programs.

Also for those of you who enjoy a bareback ride, kids who take "virginity pledges" are less likely to use a condom during their first sexual experience.

Ah, progress.

GL44 said...

I wouldn't worry about this antonio, teenagers have been doing those things since the early 90s.

Antonio Gramsci said...

I'm not worried. Just observing the effectiveness of abstinence education. If I were a parent, I'd surely want my daughter taking it up the cornhole, wouldn't you?

Aaron said...

I'm still a virgin. But I'm not a girl, and I'm not in Uganda. Oh well..back to the porn and sit-ups.

Aaron said...

...sex ed...abstinence ed. Doesn't really matter either way. There's a lack of "self worth and personal responsibility" education. Ask teenage girls the reason they engage in those activities, and you'd see what I mean. We're not getting to the roots of problems.

Antonio Gramsci said...

What about "general raging teen horniness ed?" That sounds like the root of the problem. Are we talking about mixing saltpeter into school lunches?

Are you saying that you've never known kids with "self worth" who enjoyed a good scrumping session???

Aaron said...

haha....no

I'm saying that you should be required to get a licence in order to have sex.

I haven't seen kids so dumb in my life. Seriously. Everytime I walk down my street, I see people having to beep their horn in order to get them to move? I mean duh? Their parents must not be too bright either, otherwise that chemical reaction or some other fangled brain thingie would trigger that warning signal that makes you body move out the damn way!


When I was a teen, it was during that time when teen pregnancy was at an all time high. So they are now the parents of the kids I'm complaining about now. Perhap is they spent more time on school work and less time screwing they'd all be smarter. And also perhaps if they followed suit like the micro-whores of today, they'd be minus the children and have a nice case of lip herpes instead.

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