Thursday, May 25, 2006

I'm Embarrassed to Post This

I come across a lot of eyebrow-raising stories that I don't write about because they're disturbing for one reason or another, or because the stories themselves are sophomoric in nature. And this story falls within that category, and yet something compells me to write about it.

This past week I went to a show in Los Angeles called Mortified. It was surprisingly good. The idea is that regular people re-live their most embarrassing life-moments by reading from their personal diaries on stage. Actually, it could be songs or poetry, or any form of embarrassing personal expression that harkened back to a deeply important time in the person's life, usually adolescence. And it was really refreshing to listen to these candid entries read aloud fifteen, twenty, thirty-odd years later, especially when the subjects dated themselves by referring, say, to Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory". Anyway, the readings were generally both hilarious and poignant at the same time.

So when I caught this news story, and see that a 19 year old was busted for this crime, I can't think of anything more mortifying than getting arrested for stealing a hand held vagina...especially when the cops ascertain that the, uh, evidence, has been used, and that the time between the theft and apprehension of the guilty party was ten minutes. Wow.

I'm wondering if this poor kid will be able to stand on a stage one day and tell strangers about what I presume to be the worst day of his life. I'm really hoping this was the worst day of his life, and I'm hoping that in ten or twenty years this will be a great story for him to tell.

Then again, he might be the type of guy who, twenty years from now, people could easily see committing this type of crime:

"You know Bob?"
"Yeah."
"I heard he got busted for stealing a fake snatch."
"Really? I'm not actually surprised by that."

I hope he doesn't turn out to be the creepy adult version.

8 comments:

Tim said...

I am embarrased to double post but I must - I just read the story and I'm still laughing - haven't read your take on it yet but I feel so bad for this kid hahaha! He was found around the corner and had used it. Like in On The Road when Dean goes cross country as a kid on a train and starves and gets to Denver and drinks a quart of milk straight away and pukes. Maybe it's not related.

Now I read the post itself...

Tim said...

Ok never overestimate someone elses sense of humility. Just because you would be mortified caught stealing a rubber snatch doesn't mean everyone else is. (How Clinton of me!) Growing up I hid Hustler magazines in my room like they were going to be sought after by jewel theives - hidden in hard to get to places nobody would ever look and that often took time to get to. As if someone was going to find a Hustler in a 15 year olds room and go "OH MY GOD WTF IS THAT?!?!" Also this story takes place in Canada and I just can't work that angle in at all. In conclusion I would like to say that I have never actually touched a rubber snatch (in fact I've never seen one in person but I imagine the technology is making them more realistic with every passing moment) nor did I get laid very often as a sophmore. But go for the sophmoric stuff because sleep depravation equaling weight gain is a bitch to make funny. Do a "mortified" blog entry sometime. Also I look really stoned in my blog photo but I wasn't. I was 9 minutes into a 10 minute love fest with a shoplifted plastic vagina.

Clinton Freeman said...

People telling their own story of "their most embarrassing moment} -- probably not my taste, but others can do what they want. Besides I doubt anyone told a story they wouldn't want others to hear. It could be worse.

I'm skeptical. I wouldn't be surprised to find spam drug behind the 10 minute stolen rubber vagina story.
I'll bet that in the next few days we all get a "Want to last longer with a stolen vagina. Get X and hold on when you do hold ups." spam.

VagabondLoafer said...

I’m with Clinton. I doubt anyone would share something they wouldn’t really want to.
I’m also thinking this could mean sharing your most intimate thoughts and deeds as well.
Whatever story they tell would certainly sound embarrassing to most of us. But I’ll bet there are a few more stories that they won’t or can’t share with the general public that are far more embarrassing.
There’s maybe something wrong with wanting to regurgitate ones most embarrassing moments in public. Or maybe that’s what they call art. Therapeutic? You go first.

Tim said...

Vagabond your profile is totally blank in terms of sharing something you don't want to.

Laura Swisher said...

People obviously don't share what they don't want to share. It's more that the things they share, at one time, seemed SO IMPORTANT. Things like, "I'm going to DIE if Billy doesn't ask me out." or "I broke into Billy's house and stole a pair of underwear. Then I found out, the underwear's not really his!!!" That doesn't do it justice at all. They generally do a good job of selecting performers with entertaining content, as opposed to what you might find on a 13-year-old's blog. It's more that they're able to capture the exquisite angst we all remember experiencing from our youth, the desperate need to be accepted or loved or understood, or whatever. And writing from that period in one's life is great because it lacks any sense of perspective, so that whatever we're going through is the most important thing ever. To hear a sample, check out This American Life, episode 313. The Mortified story is about 36 minutes in. Will Seymour's story is one that I thought was both hilarious and touching, and reminded me of my own relationship with my grandmother. We didn't swap letters but we had a special bond.

Clinton Freeman said...

There is a difference:

1. between an embarrassing moment and a traumatic experience
2. choosing to share with others and being "outed"
3. lacking experience and lacking perspective

Unfortunately there are many forces in society that encource us to see less and less as we get older.
My favorite analogy is Hans Cristina Anderson's "The Emperor's New Clothes."
Somebody was sell bullshit, everyone else had there own reason to buy it, and only a kid saw clearly enough to state what should have been obvious to everyone.
Of course, it's not often told that the initial reaction of the adults to hearing the truth would be to beat the hell out of the kid.

Tim said...

Thought of the day - strive for teh sum totals not the differences.