Thursday, July 20, 2006

Laura Swisher, Professional Harasser

I've been searching for a job that will be an instant conversation stopper at dinner parties and today, I think I've found it. It might involve relocating to Greenwich, Connecticut, but it will be worth it.

I am going to send a cover letter and resume to Geese Relief to see if I can convince them to hire me as a professional geese harasser. They apparantly use border collies to drive birds away, but I would personally pitch in. "Hey Goose! I'm talkin' to YOU! You call that a waddle? I've seen better waddles on a sparrow. You make me sick."

That was just off the top of my head. If given a shot, I'm sure I could come up with more effective taunts.

Don't be surprised if some of you get emails from Geese Relief asking for character references on me. Please sing my praises. Let them know I can harass like nobody's business. Okay? I'm counting on you guys.


Tim said...

Greenwich is big money. Martha Stewart has a mansion there right beside the most palace like nut house you've ever seen. Also I warn you that geese are no joke; they will chase down humans or critters three times their size and their shit is slicker than whale oil. Double also they are canadian geese, not the domestic whiteys. Triple also if you want a job that's a conversation stopper, try milking cows. When Chad wows everyone on the sofa with "so Todd and I decided we would FAX it instead! Bwahahahahaha!" you can say "Funny you should say that - just yesterday number 272 was eating a donut steve was feeding to her and she damn near stepped on my wrist!" That's all I have today =(

Sean said...

I think the Swish has a special anti-goose suit!

Butternut said...

Bwhaahaha, Sean. WTH is that?

I don't expect you would be good at harrasment. You'd just get bored after the first 5 minutes. "Get away stupid geese! Dang, c'mon!"

Don't tell me you're looking for a job again? Helio not panning out?