Tuesday, November 04, 2008

I Voted So Give Me Stuff

Look, I waited in line for 1/2 hour to dab ink dots on paper and I'm tired. If Starbucks and Krispy Kreme want to give me free coffee and donuts, I don't need no stinkin' national reporter to tell me this practice might be illegal. The whole point of voting is to let other people know you're better than them by wearing an "I voted" sticker and to get free products. Am I right? Don't answer that. I'm right. I know it.

Ben & Jerry's is offering free ice cream today, which is great, but I don't live near a Ben & Jerry's. Why isn't Baskin Robbins in on this? Why does B&R hate America? Regardless, I'm going to walk into my neighborhood Baskin Robbins and demand a free scoop. If they say no, I will never visit another Baskin Robbins for as long as I live. I suggest you all do the same.

I'm wasting valuable time writing this. I need to get my bribe on.


Geraldo Maia said...

Hello Laura,
It is a great pleasure to visit your nice and interesting blog for the first time.
Best wishes from Brazil:

gijyun said...

pffft - communist ops like baskin robbins don't support the socialistic "wealth spreading" of free ice cream on election day.

Hannah said...

I am 22 and I'd like to capture my thoughts before America either elects a president who its first 26 presidents could have legally owned, or brazenly subverts the very ideals it was founded upon by manipulating numbers in a final embarrassingly overt goosestep towards corporate totalitarianism.

I am nervous. And not night-before-the-swim-test nervous or even night-you-lose-your-virginity nervous, it's a low rumbling primal panic which I can only liken to Star Wars panic. Disney panic. The edge-of-your-seat-terror that makes you wonder if Skywalker's doomed after he refuses to join Darth Vader and drops down into the abyss, if the wicked octopus or grand vizier or steroid-pumping-village-misogynist is going to wed/kill/skin the dashing prince and then evil people in dark funny costumes are going to take over the world... if it wasn't a movie of course.

And tonight it's not. It's not a movie and yet I feel like Obama might as well be wearing an American flag cape while a decaying McCain, in a high-tech robotic spider wheelchair wearing an eyepatch and stroking an evil cat, gives orders to a sexy scheming Palin who marches back and forth through their sub-terranian campaign lair in four inch thigh-highs and full-body black leather catsuit bossing around the evangelical ants with a loooooong whip... umm... is this just me?

Anyway, the point is that things feel weird folks. I have friends who have peed in waterbottles to keep from interrupting a Halo-playing marathon who got off their asses/couches to volunteer for the Obama campaign not once, but many times. Friends so cheap their body content is at least 1/3 Ramen Noodle who donated a good deal of their hard-earned cash to the campaign. People have registered to vote in record numbers, and yet, something just doesn't feel right. I think we should stop congratulating ourselves for just voting. To vote is a privilege which people have died for, and I think there's a whole lot more to be done for the country than to simply help win an election every 4 years.

Hundreds of millions of dollars, hundreds of thousands of man-hours spent on both sides by good-intentioned people who want to make a difference in an historic election, so many resources and voices and energies devoted to a single day. After tomorrow, half of that is going to have been a waste. And I can't help but wonder what could have happened if all that muscle had been put towards something else, and what will happen to its momentum after the election has come and gone. Shouldn't we be donating our money to good causes whenever we can? Helping people who don't have? Dedicating some of our time to contribute to making the country which provides for us a better place? Of course a power shift is a hugely significant step on the path to great reform, but worrying about this election has been a wakeup call for me:

Even if Obama wins, we have not "won." This isn't a movie and we can't toss every greedy lobbyist oil fatcat bigot down a reactor shaft. I think if we dedicate ourselves to the ongoing welfare of the country as much as we have to the outcome of this election, we'll have a much better shot at coming closer to the overwhelming good the liberals hope Obama will usher in, but which no mere mortal could fully realize alone.

Which brings me to the other side. I've heard a lot of people claim that if McCain wins, they're leaving. I heard the same thing about Bush's reelection, and his unelection before that, and nobody seems to be leaving. And that's fine. Because as much as I complain about certain political happenings, atrocities, etc., I really do like it here and I suspect most other people do too. We have New York and Hollywood, purple mountain's majesty and sea to shining sea, we created jazz and country music and baseball and cars and lightbulbs and computers and that movie with hundreds of animated singing Chihuahuas! I mean who among the shivering Plymouth pilgrims ever imagined ordering hundreds of animated singing chihuahuas onto a magical box from an invisible information superweb?

The point being, if things don't turn out the way I want tomorrow, I feel compelled, as a college-graduated adultish-type-person, to take a stand. And if I'm going to leave I'm going to leave. But if I'm going to stay I'm not going to sit around whining like I have for the past 8 years. It's like when I don't clean my room because it's dirty and then I blame the dirt. So in my very indecisive way, before you and your screen, I'm declaring my intention to make some kind of stand in the event of -(Ican'tevensayit)-, and encouraging you to consider making one too...

Jump the ship or grab a bucket?
Wasn't everything so much easier back when the worst possible affront to your values was a PB&J sandwich cut diagonally with crust?

Anyways, I guess what I'm saying is that if we're going to stay on board, we should probably be generous with our time and resources when times are tough even more than when the hero saves the day. Because what if he doesn't? And what if he can't? If we're serious about real change, election day should only be the beginning of "Yes we can," not the end.

Hannah Friedman

Butternut said...

Too bad voting by mail doesn't give you a sticker, just a receipt. I could safety pin that to my shirt I guess. Or I could make my own stickers and wear two.

Voting in some countries is mandatory, like taxes. I like that idea. Also I think it should be mail-in only, like taxes. That gives us a paper trail and the lazy voters will stop rocking the vote and just vote.


Laura Swisher said...

Butternut, I contemplated doing an absentee ballot, but I feel more active if I physically stand in line. Plus it's nice to see who else lives near me. And, of course, I really want a sticker.

Laura Swisher said...

Thank you Geraldo. Beautiful pics on your site!

tankboy2902 said...

I'd like to thank Playboy for sending me the Election Night map where you click on a state and get a naked chick. Is there really anything else worth voting for? Supposedly women don't think like us so the opposite would not necessarily be worth their time. Is this true? Ladies please respond, what would your Election Night map have hidden beneath its graphic of Florida, or as it's more popularily known, America's wang?

Lizzie Dole is on tv reading her concession speech. I don't think North Carolina will miss her. Now she can go collect her four pensions along with her husband's three pensions (back in 1986 Bob Dole said people shouldn't be allowed to double dip, I guess quintuple dips don't count).

Laura Swisher said...

You are correct, Tankboy. I have been the recipient of naked photos from prison and have no doubt my gentlemen felons thought they were doing something that would appeal to me.

Butternut said...

"This post is from an inmate at Cook County Jail."

Well whatta ya know? The half white guy won.

Prop 8 is ahead right now, bad times. Only 30% reporting though. I hope this loses. I'm not gay or planning to get married but I like to keep my options open.

Butternut said...

California Prop 8.

Argh, 52% Yes with 65% reporting. Common wisdom is that this will get thrown out as unconstitutional (CA Constitution). Amendments need 2/3 votes to be approved, I believe.

tankboy2902 said...

Hey Laura! Yeah you, smeghead! Post some new shit already! It's Saturday, the election's been over for what, a month now? I got Obama jokes to make. Don't make me start my own blog. Cause then I gotta get a makeover, make myself hot, go on tv for a while, establish a fanbase, work with Martin Sargent, do award shows, and a bunch of other shit I ain't got time for just to make a goofy post. You're killing me here! All I got time for is to squat on your blog and complain. And my first complaint is you're cutting into my down time. I got puppies to look for!

By the way, is Bean hypoalagenetic or hypoantisemitic or whatever the hell these people are looking for? You and me, we can make some money here.