Thursday, January 27, 2005

My Pet Homosexual

I have a pet homosexual. Not on purpose. My homosexual kind of glommed onto me when I was living in San Francisco. At first, I didn't realize he was a pet. I merely thought he was friendly because he welcomed me into the San Francisco comedy scene and became my first comedy buddy up there. He thought I was a new comic just starting out. Then he Googled me and discovered I had TV credits. Thanks to my D-list (probably even lower) celebrity status, I suddenly became important to him and he tried to dazzle me with his crowd work and arcane political observations so I would like him. I thought it was cute. After all, who else would name drop the lieutenant governor of Kansas?

I helped get him a job at the company, and the next thing I know, he's a writer on the show.

Why am I writing this? Truth be told, he's making me blog about him. See, pet homosexuals are needy creatures. When you agree to adopt one (he asked if he could be my pet), you think it will be loads of fun; you'll objectify men together, get invaluable fashion advice, watch romantic comedies, and have someone to get pedicures with...

The truth, however, is never that easy. I didn't realize, for example, that when pet homosexuals get wet, they multiply...like Gremlins. This is something the liberal media doesn't like to talk about. They're always "tolerance this" and "tolerance that". They hide the truth.

But I digress.

My point is that they are a lot of work. You may have to talk on the phone three to four times a day and tell them they're pretty. You might have to listen to the same stories over and over again, like the one where he tells you he got a perfect score on the LSAT. And you have to pretend to be impressed or he'll pout and, occasionally , turn on you. For example, if you don't create a blog entry dedicated entirely to him, he's likely to use his lawyerese against you.

I can't have that, now can I?

35 comments:

gupunkitar2004 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gupunkitar2004 said...

I have the same problem. My friend Marty is a annoying pain in the ass. No pun intended, he really just whines and complains and that is it. So I understand completly what you are going through. Just remember they really are good people that's what I do

rageous said...

gupunkitar: you're an idiot.

swish: hang in there. I heard if you watch overtly anti-gay stuff on TV, like Christopher Lowell for instance, that often times scares them away.

Joe D said...
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nicole said...

dear laura,

i once met a homosexual i wanted for a pet. i actually wanted him for my gay husband, because i was all in to being carrie in sitc at time even though it was way late to be climbing on board that bandwagon and several years prior she had referred to her friend stanford that way and stanford was bald and fabulous like this homosexual was bald and fabulous and er, well, anyway, it was something of a low point for my personal development that i don't like to remember in too much detail.

at any rate, reading about your homosexual made me all nostalgic for my homosexual. the hilarious emails he would send full of snarky commentary on our mutual coworkers and abysmal working environment, the random visits he would make to my cubicle to wax lyrical on the apparently menacing intentions of a certain celebrity’s hairstyle or that seder he invited me to that i didn't attend . . . oh those were truly halcyon days.

the thing is, your homosexual sounds eerily reminiscent of my homosexual. same pretentious show of irrelevant erudition. same odd physiological response when exposed to water. same annoying lsat story, told over and over and over again. so on the off chance that your homosexual and my homosexual may share some additional characteristics like - oh - i don't know, like - a name maybe, i was hoping you would pass on my regards. for all his little peculiarities, he really is just irresistibly endearing. cubicle life and geekland aren't the same without him.

oh, and incidentally – hello.

nicole carrico

dingedarmor said...

Perhaps you should get one of those gerbil wheels for him--sans the gerbil of course.

William R. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
William R. said...

And here I thought Guy only played a gay man on TV.

Kind of makes me wonder if he really is the ambassador.

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