Monday, January 31, 2005

Shortage of Marie Calendars in Iraq

It looks as if elections in Iraq went better than expected with voter turnout at 60%, pretty high considering people risked their lives to head to the polls. Nevertheless, this doesn't mean that life is necessarily better for Iraqi citizens.

Quality of life is still abysmal. Electricity doesn't run more than a few hours a day, raw sewage runs through the streets and insurgent attacks are unlikely to abate.
More importantly, Iraqi's don't have any chain restaurants of note.

Want to grab some fettucine alfredo from The Olive Garden? Not gonna happen in Baghdad. I, on the other hand, can go to one of five Olive Garden restaurants within 20 miles of me.

In the mood to savor some shrimp? Sorry Falluja, but you'll have to travel 15,000 miles to get to the nearest Red Lobster.

Sadly, this crisis goes beyond a lack of chain restaurants. For democracy to take hold, citizens need shopping malls and at least one Ikea. It's hard to enjoy the simplicity of Swedish design when bombs go off in your living room.

How can freedom win? We need an elite squad of marketers to infiltrate Iraq and make citizens and insurgents alike feel insecure about their appearance. Go ahead, Mr. Terrorist, put that rocket launcher on your shoulder...if you're not afraid of shoulder pimples. That's right. Shoulder pimples. Recent studies show that when sweat, metal and dirt come in contact with skin, unsightly blackheads appear. Don't terrorize that village until you've terrorized your zits, with Oxy 10. Wage jihad...on halitosis. Try Lysterine.

And so on and so forth.

The world will be a much safer place when we all strive for unattainable material satisfaction, when Christians and Muslims purchase the same Old Navy polar fleeces and drink Jamba Juice together from the same straw.

But maybe that's just a utopia that will never materialize. I hope not.


33 comments:

Spider-Man said...

Heya Swish!!
Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man here. Just taking a break atop Trump tower trying to warm the ol' bones and taking advantage of Don's inability to lock down his WAPS!

Love the post. I was actually thinking about blogging about this very subject! Spidey's take on the whole democratization of Iraq is to plop down a Walmart or seven, throw in a few hundred circle K's and of course an IKEA (Sarah will love that). From there let the Iraqi's reap the benefits. I can see it now, walking into a Walmart in downtown Falluja and being greeted by a rocket launcher. Hey even terrorists need jobs too!

Take Care Hun!
Spider-Man

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