A friend of mine, Jen Garelick, has just started to deal with her alcoholism. Apparently, newly sober people should attend AA meetings at least once a day, or more, if necessary, to cope with the temptation of drink. Because I am an amazing friend, I attended one of these meetings with my dear friend Jen Garelick.
The day I went, I threw on a baggy pair of jeans and an Absolut Vodka fleece from my days as a flak. That proved to be a HUGE mistake. Turns out I should have dressed nicer. I didn't realize that when you attend an AA meeting in a conference room on the Universal Studios lot, the alcoholics are likely going to be well-heeled and really good-looking.
The only reason I agreed to go to the meeting in the first place--aside from being a supportive friend--was that I was in a crap mood and feeling sorry for myself. I thought it would cheer me up to be around people with shattered, hopeless lives and listen to their pathetic stories. In comparison, my life wouldn't seem so bad.
It didn't dawn on me that Hollywood would be a horrible place to attend an AA meeting. I hadn't counted on running into a bunch of celebrities: George Clooney, Kirsten Dunst, Robin Williams, Ben Affleck and Sarah Michelle Gellar.
See, when Ben Affleck hits rock bottom, he makes Gigli. And when Kirsten Dunst hits rock bottom, she gets to sleep with with Jake Gyllenhaal.
It's sooooo not fair. And it's not just the celebrities that are depressing. There are studio execs and agents as well. Despite their crippling addictions, they are still able to pull down six figures and drive obnoxious vehicles.
Instead of getting any kind of comfort out of this meeting, I get more depressed. And Jen, my little alcoholic, gets George Clooney to be her sponsor. And because I can control my liquor, I am not able to network like my pal.
I have now decided to become an alcoholic. Maybe I can finally make some money.
*I have changed the names of celebrities I saw with names of celebrities who weren't actually at the AA meeting, so if you're a lawyer who represents any of these fine thespians, please don't sue me.