Sunday, March 20, 2005

Note To Future Employers of Elijah Wood:

Hobbits can't kick ass.

I didn't realize this fact had to be called to anyone's attention. After seeing the movie Hooligans at SXSW, I realize how wrong I was.

The premise of the film is this: An almost-Harvard-grad, Elijah Wood, gets expelled from said institution and hightails it to London to visit his sister, played by Claire Forlani. The first day he's there, his brother-in-law, Marc Warren, sends lil' Elijah off to a soccer, er, football match with his brother, Charlie Hunnan.

I don't know if you know this or not, but football is a very popular sport over there and fans have been known to get a little rowdy. Unbeknownst to Elijah, he's about to discover a world he never knew existed--the world of football firms. Firms are like gangs, except they have English accents and like to break into song when they get liquored up. Each football team has a corresponding firm. As Charlie explained to Elijah, it's possible for a shit team to have a great firm, or a great team to have a shit firm. How good a firm is depends on how much ass it kicks. Extra points are given to firms that kick ass in a humiliating fashion, like on someone else's turf, for instance, when the firm is likely to be outnumbered.

I digress. So Charlie is forced to take the Hobbit Yank to a match and he introduces the Hobbit to the boys in his firm. After the match, they are confronted by some blokes from another firm and violence ensues. Truth be told, members of the other firm ambush The Hobbit, but he's ultimately saved when Charlie and crew show up. The film is fine up to this point. But then something unbelievable occurs: the Hobbit discovers that he likes to fight. Ummmm...okay.

I should also point out that Charlie's firm happens to be the top firm in England. So now I'm watching a movie where the top firm in England has a Hobbit on it...and the Hobbit not only survives, but thrives. Thrives! One of the things that people seem to like about the film is its supposed authenticity concerning this very violent subculture. The fight scenes are realistic, bloody and raw. Well, there as realistic as they can be so long as you can ignore the fact that Frodo never ends up dead or in a coma. He's going up against guys who are not only twice as big, but have been street fighting there whole lives. And yet a peewee Yank from Harvard gets the hang of it in a couple weeks? Riiiiigght.

Anyway, the movie's decent if you're into violent soccer films. People say it's realistic. I'll take their word for it.

If any producers happen to be reading this, however, Elijah will never be a convincing ass kicker. Here are some projects he would would be good in:

"Girls Don't Cry" - The story of a young boy from a small town who liked to dress and behave like a girl. Why would Elijah be perfect? He's pretty and little like a girl. I don't even think he'd have to shave. Also, he could probably cry on cue, and this film would have lots of crying, like when he/she had to deliver this poignant line: "Don't look at what's between my legs! Look what's in my heart!" CAMERA PANS IN ON ELIZABETH UNTIL ONLY HER BIG BLUE EYES FILL THE SCREEN AND ONE TEAR FALLS.

I'm guessing his agent wanted a gritty, edgier role for him so he could get real cred as an actor. I think Elijah has five or ten more years as a teenager in him.

I was going to come up with more great roles for him, but now I'm tired.

5 comments:

boise said...

Sounds like you found Elija Wood's seminal role.

Tacitus said...

I want the director's cut of "Girls." sounds like a hoot!

Anne Barlow said...

I suppose Transsexuals should be happy that you've picked Elijah to portray us. He IS pretty.

But, if your movie 'Girls Don't Cry' followed the same theme as 'Boys Don't Cry', his character would be DEAD.

Yeehaw! That's good cinema!

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