50 Steamiest Southern Stars
Airs: Apr. 7, 8 p.m.; Apr. 10, 6 p.m.
Hey y'all! I'm featured a decent amount on E! Entertainment's new special spouting off on Shannon Elizabeth, Dennis Quaid, Jessica Simpson and some other folk. I was a tiny bit disappointed that they didn't use my comment about Lance Armstrong, who I thought had proved himself an amazing human being after, say, Tour de France win number four, and that now he's just showing off. They didn't use that. Whatever.
Also, when they talked about Eva Longoria someone mentioned her "sultry Latin thing" going on, and it occurred to me that anytime someone gushes about how hot a hispanic is, there's almost always a reference to them being hispanic, or some kind of food reference. Ay yay yay, Ricky Martin is muy spicy! Salma Hayek is muy caliente! Picante!
I find it a little offensive. Why can't someone who's Latin just be "hot", or "really good looking"? Why the need to reference jalapenos in describing *those people. So if we HAVE to describe hispanics this way, why not everyone else by the culinary traits we most associate with certain groups of people? Shall I give an example? Can you tell I'm possibly working on a new routine that may or may not get fleshed out more? Okay, her we go.
Lucy Liu - Love Lucy Liu. She's stunning, and very sweet and sour. I love her plum sauciness. Or do I love her oyster/lobster sauciness? She's so General Tso. Her ass is so Tso. Ummm, may need to work on my Chinese references, but they're coming along.
Lou Diamond Phillips (circa La Bamba fame) - To describe Philipinos, the word is Spam. Its usage should be similar to the way the word "money" was used in "Swingers", as in, "You're Spam, baby. You don't even know how Spam you are." Or, he's dreamy, Spamtastic even. Or, "I'd like to smack his Spam!" Again, this might need a little work.
The Dali Lama (Tibetan) - This cat's smooth, like buttah...yak buttah. If you can figure out a way to make a tsam-pa reference work, let me know.
Anyway, this will be a work in progress. If you come up with anything offensive (or not) for other ethnicities, comment away.
I have to run. I'm off to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel to watch my pal Tig. She'll be on tonight's show. You should watch her if it doesn't come on the same time as the E! special 50 Steamiest Southerners, which I'm on. You should watch me over Tig because we've known each other longer. You probably just heard of Tig right now. Fine. You wanna watch her over me? Go ahead. I don't need you anyway! Go, all right?! Get out of here! WATCH YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND TIG.
Seriously, though, she's very funny. Doubt me? Check her website out. You'll see.
*For the record, I'm one of those people so it's okay for me to talk about my fellow picante performers and not be racist. Calling hot Asians lobster-saucy, however, might be borderline racist. Still, I’m adopted, so I actually might be part Chinese as well and not know it. For that matter, I could be anything.