Tuesday, April 05, 2005

E! 50 Steamiest Southerners...and other stuff too

50 Steamiest Southern Stars
Airs: Apr. 7, 8 p.m.; Apr. 10, 6 p.m.

Hey y'all! I'm featured a decent amount on E! Entertainment's new special spouting off on Shannon Elizabeth, Dennis Quaid, Jessica Simpson and some other folk. I was a tiny bit disappointed that they didn't use my comment about Lance Armstrong, who I thought had proved himself an amazing human being after, say, Tour de France win number four, and that now he's just showing off. They didn't use that. Whatever.

Also, when they talked about Eva Longoria someone mentioned her "sultry Latin thing" going on, and it occurred to me that anytime someone gushes about how hot a hispanic is, there's almost always a reference to them being hispanic, or some kind of food reference. Ay yay yay, Ricky Martin is muy spicy! Salma Hayek is muy caliente! Picante!

I find it a little offensive. Why can't someone who's Latin just be "hot", or "really good looking"? Why the need to reference jalapenos in describing *those people. So if we HAVE to describe hispanics this way, why not everyone else by the culinary traits we most associate with certain groups of people? Shall I give an example? Can you tell I'm possibly working on a new routine that may or may not get fleshed out more? Okay, her we go.

Lucy Liu - Love Lucy Liu. She's stunning, and very sweet and sour. I love her plum sauciness. Or do I love her oyster/lobster sauciness? She's so General Tso. Her ass is so Tso. Ummm, may need to work on my Chinese references, but they're coming along.

Lou Diamond Phillips (circa La Bamba fame) - To describe Philipinos, the word is Spam. Its usage should be similar to the way the word "money" was used in "Swingers", as in, "You're Spam, baby. You don't even know how Spam you are." Or, he's dreamy, Spamtastic even. Or, "I'd like to smack his Spam!" Again, this might need a little work.

The Dali Lama (Tibetan) - This cat's smooth, like buttah...yak buttah. If you can figure out a way to make a tsam-pa reference work, let me know.

Anyway, this will be a work in progress. If you come up with anything offensive (or not) for other ethnicities, comment away.

I have to run. I'm off to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel to watch my pal Tig. She'll be on tonight's show. You should watch her if it doesn't come on the same time as the E! special 50 Steamiest Southerners, which I'm on. You should watch me over Tig because we've known each other longer. You probably just heard of Tig right now. Fine. You wanna watch her over me? Go ahead. I don't need you anyway! Go, all right?! Get out of here! WATCH YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND TIG.

Seriously, though, she's very funny. Doubt me? Check her website out. You'll see.

Buh bye.

*For the record, I'm one of those people so it's okay for me to talk about my fellow picante performers and not be racist. Calling hot Asians lobster-saucy, however, might be borderline racist. Still, I’m adopted, so I actually might be part Chinese as well and not know it. For that matter, I could be anything.


afslip said...

I find it stupid when they make those comments towards hispanics. I laugh whenever i hear that, by the way I am a hispanic, i'm muy caliente.

RedLobo said...

I think that you are all that and a bag of chips. Or is it all that with a side of fries? Your as pretty as a bowl of spicy chili. Your as hot as a bottle of ranch mixed with Tabasco sauce. Your as sweet as salt and salty as a lemon baby.

Well, since I cannot come up with any good foodtastic ways to call you hot, we know that you are definitely not hispanic (Or I am just overly White) Although, you may be part Chinense because when you said "Lobster-saucy" I immediately thought of you and Lobsters.

Sorry, I have to go my girlfriend is hookerlicious.

santana said...

im one of *those people too so i know the pain and suffering weve endured, the pointing the spiciness the ass shaking to salsa music, i tremble whenever i hear snear drums *shudders* did you feel that??...lol anyway im spicy too..im so spicy i (licks finger and touch my shoulder) sizzle!!! ssssssssss LOL...that was funny

Lis said...

i'm hispanic too! muy spicy lol.

this post was hilarious, seriously.. keep the laughs comin' :-D

Freefall Jones said...

Y'know, I've seen "Philipino" spelled that way before -- but I think that might just be how "the howlies" think it's spelled. If you're down with the brown, you gotta go with the "f" as in "filipino". But you are so spam about us.

Also I'm suprised you didn't mention Aishwarya Rai, she's totally tandoori.

Laura Swisher said...

I totally agree with Lis.

Sean said...

I sat through this two hour special the other night and even laying horizontal on my couch with a beer on my belly it was getting to be uncomfortable physically. How did you sit in that Lawn chair for that long?

You were the funniest one BTW! :)

Pall Mall said...

I too sat throught this "special" program. It had a bit too much ego stroking for me. When are you going to be on Best Week Ever?

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