Tuesday, June 21, 2005

"If Beauty Were a Minute..."

"You'd be an hour."

I heard those words this morning from a shirtless athlete at Griffith Park. I'm assuming he was an athlete because he had a nice physique, and I'm guessing he was at Griffith to run or bike or something else athletic. I did what I always do in such situations, I smile, say thank you, and keep walking. But is that really a compliment?

Let's say beauty is a minute, and I'm an hour. There are 24 hours in the day, so I'm really only 1/24th as good--hour-wise--as I could possibly be. Granted, it's probably a decent number of minutes, but still. That means that if he thought another girl was hotter than me (and really, how could he?), she could easily be two or three or twelve hours beautiful, compared to my one. What would he say to Angelina Jolie? She'd definitely have to be more than an hour. But by how much? All twenty-four? "Hey, Angelina. If beauty were a minute, you'd be a day." How's that for a compliment? Why stop there? "If beauty were a minute, Ms. Jolie, you'd be a month." That's even better.

Anyway, this is what I do with compliments. I turn them around so I can see them in their least favorable light. It's a gift.

What else? Someone wondered if I was kidding about the DUIs. Um, duh. Believe me, if I do anything inherently despicable, I will not advertise it. Not that DUIs are necessarily despicable. Irresponsible and potentially life-threatening, I'll allow. I'd have to get rid of some of my friends if I found them despicable. Not that I'm advocating DUIs. I'm not. Geez, back off! Sorry.

As I was exercising (walking slowly) today, I was thinking about language, and how the English language has evolved, or rather devolved. I remember reading Samuel Pepys's diary in school and marveling at how erudite it came across. I mean, this was a diary and yet we were reading in class. And then I thought how horrifying it would be if my diary was ever required reading, and what the essay assignments might be.

Compare and contrast the celebrities who went to Elton John's Oscar party at Maple Drive Restaurant to those who went to Paul Sorvino's Oscar party at The Comedy Store. What were Laura's feelings about being assigned to work the Paul Sorvino party? Can you describe the differences between A, B, and C-list celebrities? Where would Carrot Top rank on this hierarchical scale and why (remember to use examples to back up your argument)? Toward the end of the century literature experienced an explosion of what we now call the "narcissistic narrative." Using no fewer than three examples, please illustrate how authors of this particular genre made common knowledge appear as truths only they had recently uncovered?

Actually, I think that would be a fun class.

All for now.

18 comments:

Danforth Withersby said...

Oh, wow...

I said that to you this morning in confidence and from the bottom of my heart, and THIS is how you thank me?

James L. said...

OMG Laura...homework??? You're getting to be a real drag.

Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Can I be the teacher's pet?!?!

Aaron said...

If beauty were a minute......hey... my watch just stopped.

Antonio Gramsci said...

If bullshit were a minute, I'd be eternity.

Sean said...

Sounds like a math question to me...if beauty were a minute....hmm...hell Swish you'd be about 8000 years old...I dig older women but my cut off age is about 50 at the moment so I guess I would be at a great paradox if wanted to hook up with you. :)

Amadeo said...

Isn't that a pick-up line from the 70's or something.

Vert said...

Huh? A minute. What possible qualities
does a minute have that you can associate with beauty? Minus two points for illogical pick up line..lol. Oh yeah, Laura were you in Wendy's commerical?

Freefall Jones said...

Hmmm. That guy really took some liberties with that Temptations lyric. And taking it out of context of "They Way You Do the Things You Do" really messes up the meaning.

Laura Swisher said...

J-Dot,
Yes. Yes I was!

Butternut said...

beauty = minute
Ah, I see someone is studying the hotness/space continuum. You just need to solve for x like in alge-bra class.

Of course, he didn't say how much beauty was in a minute. I mean, are we talking Eva Longoria or Rosanne?

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