I'll Do Oprah w/ You

I'm just throwing it out there, should any hot up-and-coming and/or established actor read this: I will happily play the part of your love interest for the greedy public.

We can be smart about it if you'd like. We'll start off talking to one another at top clubs and restaurants, oblivious to anyone else's presence. You'll touch my arm and lean in to tell me something private and I'll respond by laughing aloud, in a way that suggests you've said something witty. With any luck, that exchange will run in a magazine or two.

A few weeks later, you and I will be spotted canoodling in the corner of some Vegas nightspot after a major concert event or boxing match. At the end of the evening, we'll be spotted leaving separately, though only 10 minutes apart. Our hotel rooms will be across the hall from one another, a fact that won't be lost on the media.

When our romance grows too big for the press to ignore, our publicists will issue statements to the effect of, "So and so is an amazing human being, and I have the utmost respect for so and so, but we are just friends. That's all."

The next day a fuzzy picture of us sharing a kiss at an out-of-the-way restaurant will land on the covers of three different tabloids. Again our publicists will deny any romantic involvement.

When a picture of us rolling around on a beach in Malibu comes out, we'll have to come forward with "the truth", that we're an item, very much in love.

You'll do a round of talk shows promoting your upcoming movie and when the hosts inevitably ask about us, you'll be demure and try to change the subject back to the film at hand. They'll press; you'll give in slightly. "Laura? She's fine. No, things are great. She's amazing. Do you know I'm in a film coming out this Friday?" The audience will laugh at the clever way you try to change the subject away from your private life.

We carry this charade on for as long as you require--me going to movie premieres with you, you making statements about supporting my career, etc. Then, when you deem it's time to move on, we'll be seen fighting in public, leaving parties separately. You'll go to a strip club with your male friends and be seen talking one of the strippers up. I'll spend the night at my gay/straight male hairstylist's house.

Our publicists will release statements that we're still a couple, and then, soon after that, we'll be done with one another and our publicists will announce that we're still close friends, but that things just didn't work out. We parted amicably.

I can be very discreet. If you want a high-profile relationship with a woman without all the sex, I am here for you. What will I get? Publicity.

So, if you're ready to do this, have your publicist contact me and we'll work out some kind of arrangement. The soonest we could pretend-meet is June 12th.

I look forward to hearing from you.