Friday, July 01, 2005

Sugar Momma

Wow. Interesting how a post that was clearly about me, got twisted into something about you.

Yesterday I was clearly discussing how I was going to snare myself a wealthy partner. That resulted in a bunch of comments wondering how men could get themselves a sugar momma. I should igore you all. Really. I should. However, I'm thinking about teaching a course at the Learning Annex on how to snare a sugar momma so I might as well work on a lesson plan right now.

This is difficult for me because, as you can probably imagine, I have no difficulty getting men to do exactly what I want. Sometimes I have to INSIST on paying men for their services. Last time my toilet got clogged up a plumber came over and, struck by my angelic beauty, practically refused to charge me the $330 to cover the work. I said, "Mr. Plumber, I absolutely insist. You have to make a living." And I paid him.

In any case, I do have a handle on what women want and I'm going to share that information with you now. Get ready to press print because you'll want to post the knowledge I'm about to lay on you.

First things first: By definition, your sugar momma will be older than you, so if you have a problem with wrinkles, this job might not be for you.

Qualifications
You need to be able to
--Listen to what a woman says as if you are hanging on her every word
--Be able to interject comments that support what she is saying
--Bounce a quarter off your abs
--Give a 45 minute massage
--Say, "You are so beautiful" without cringing or looking away
--Run errands
--Refrain from farting at dinner parties
--Keep your eyes off other women in public
--Fix things around the house
--Look good in a tux
--Look good in handcuffs
--Bathe regularly
--Be able to answer the question, "What do you think of this outfit?" and support your answer with valid points
--Cook
--Read Vogue, Cosmopolitan, People, Star and US Weekly

I know you think having a sugar momma is supposed to be easy, but you will need to make sacrifices. You may need to work out, quit smoking, cut your hair and get some nice clothes. This might involve giving up your Xbox or Game Cube, or watching sports.

That's all for today. My next lesson will be where you can search for your sugar momma.

36 comments:

Manny F said...

Damn Im glad you didnt say playstation 2 cuz man Ide be S.O.L. So on with this sugar search where can I find em. Hurry because Ive gotta get a new living room set and dont wanna pay for it. Do I have to "lay some serious pipe" because Im not sure if Ill be able to do that.

Ben Hughes said...

You had me up until you asked me to read Cosmo. That killed it.

Matt Hartley said...

I lost it at handcuffs...oh well, back to slumming it.

Butternut said...

Wow, I'm well on my way to scoring myself a Suga Momma. However, strike one for the wrinkles.

"What do you think of this outfit?" - answer "Wow, that's cute. You look great in [color]. And I like how it matches your shoes." ... I'm a pro.

"Give a 45 minute massage" - Check. Power tools.

"Be able to interject comments that support what she is saying" - Ah, I get it, that's pretty insightful. ... See, a pro.

We only get US Weekly, Cosmo, and some other shopping mags in my house. Sounds like I need to increase the celeb gossip pron.

"This might involve giving up your Xbox or Game Cube, or watching sports." - From my cold, dead hands!!

I think I'm looking for more of a Splenda Momma. But enough about me. Let's talk about Laura. :)

santana said...

Hmmm sounds interesting I did wanna get Ivana Trump or maybe Joan Rivers, by the way is she rich or does she just know rich people, or maybe Queen Elizabeth. Hey if your gonna go for a sugar mama you might as well go straight to the top right. And its a good thing I dont have to give my PS2 up, I would die if I had to give that up.

RedLobo said...

Really, all you have to do to secure yourself a sugar mama is have something they need. Then make sure your the only one that can get it. I use crack because my sugarmommas comeback twice a day, sometimes five. The only disadvantage to this method is that your sugar mammas start becoming a little sour and of course no more money to support your lifestyle. And the cops. They really suck, too.

James L. said...

As long as I still get to sleep with men afterwrds...without picturing support hose in any way shape or form :)

afslip said...

Be my sugar momma laura, I'm rich, Ill take care of you for life. I'm serious about this, not a joke.

Vert said...

Sorry. The economy sucks. Everyone can't cash in on the real estate bubble, so being a golddigger is fastest growing sector in the US economy. Give up sports? Blasphemy. I tender my resignation. Maybe, I can be a cabana boy.

I'm working on the abs. Besides, you never know when the washing machine will break and I'll have to hand wash my clothes. Anyway, I was so close. When you take away my ADD, propensity for blurting out the truth, and lack of culinary skills I was in. Oh yeah, I have this medical condition where my eyes gravitate towards boobs for no apparent reason.

Well, I was just going to reverse engineer the entire process, but Laura has saved me a lot of time. Now, I can get back to watching Dancing with the Stars. Who knew Mr. Peterman could dance?

Matt Hartley said...

And the ladies covered this topic from top to bottom on the latest podcast as well. Hints given, secrets shared.
http://www.weezyandtheswish.com

Antonio Gramsci said...

I'd offer myself to you, Laura, but your standards are clearly too low.

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