Monday, August 15, 2005

Atkins Shmatkins

I, for one, am happy that Atkins has filed for bankruptcy. A dear friend of mine, a model, committed suicide after accidentally consuming a noodle. When she learned that macaroni were also considered "carbs" (she thought spaghetti was the only pasta), she polished off a bottle of Xanax and overdosed.

It's time for people to stop succumbing to fad diets. Here's what you need to know: a healthy diet is all about balance and moderation, not guilt and despair. I try and maintain this balance.

Take yesterday, for example. For breakfast I ate scrambled egg whites with sliced tomato. For lunch I ate a spinach salad and had a glass of sparkling water with a lemon wedge. And for dinner I ate a baby. Now, it's not like the baby was wrapped in bacon or anything. It wasn't. In fact, it was grilled. And tomorrow I will spend an extra thirty minutes at the gym to work it off.

Am I going to freak out about the amount of food I ate, or about how fattening baby fat is? No. And you shouldn't either.

22 comments:

NickDSchultz said...

I don't blame you for splurging a bit, babies are quite delicious... Also, I joined Blogger just to type this... But I plan to blog my ass of and I'll probably thank you for it. So instead, I'll thank you in advance: "Thanks."

-Nick

DogsDontPurr said...

Now we know your secret to staying thin.....eat babies! Cool.

John Riney said...

I am shocked and outraged at this post. Specifically, it is inexcusable that you did not mention the appropriate wine selection to properly accompany grilled baby. I have been dying to find out.

Evyatar said...

John:
I'm no chef, but from what I've heard red wine is better for Caucasian babies and white wine is better for minority babies.
Gotta appreciate the irony.

c_neil said...

Did you share it with a dingo?

ChozSun said...

Crazy. Last night, I made a comment about eating babies as well. But I made this comment as my Undead character in World of Warcraft who actually eat the flesh of the dead.

Is Laura a Undead or does she play one in WoW? A little bit of both, perhaps?

Clinton Freeman said...

Hey, Laura did you see this?

Evyatar said...
John:
I'm no chef, but from what I've heard red wine is better for Caucasian babies and white wine is better for minority babies.
Gotta appreciate the irony.

5:34 PM

That comment is just plain ignorant. What's a "minority" baby? Is it less than half baby? What's the rest? Tofu?
What does it matter what kind of wine is better? It's not good to give babies any wine?
Is that how you make a "minority" baby? Under 50% baby and the rest wine? I'm sorry. I meant "white wine"?
You see. You start joking about eating spinach and some people start to think that gives them license to say just about anything.
I'm all for having a sense of humor, but I draw the line when children are involved. It doesn't matter when you are going to eat it, you shouldn't stigmatize a baby and maybe hurt its feelings.
Laura, you have to be more responsible.

Hellbob said...

...says the hot thin chick. ;D

Evyatar said...

Clinton, You scared me half to death thinking I actually hurt someones feelings with that joke. From reading your message just about 17 times I get the snese that you're joking as well, but just for the heck of it:

I in no way imply that a baby belonging to a "minority" race (in America, ofcourse) is in any way shape or form diffrent from a white baby. They both deserve the same opprotunities and work progress posibilities in life, as well as social and medical care, and I whole heartedly believe that all babies are created equal, and deserve a rich, full life untill the day in which they are grilled and eaten by Laura Swisher.

Butternut said...

You on the Dingo Diet?

Baby, the other other white meat.

I prefer mine deep fried like a holiday turkey. Oh baby! I'm hungry.

After dropping 3 lbs. in 4 days on the flu I'm starting to rethink my diet. Maybe I don't need all those salads after all.

I hear dolphin and puppies are good too.

Clinton Freeman said...

Evyatar,
I shouldn't have used your whole post like that. I just wanted to send the equivalent of "angry email" to Laura and I decided the phrase "white wine is better for minority babies" was no dumber a reason as any other I could make up. I just had to come up with a reason why it was Laura's fault.
Any misunderstanding is Laura's fault.

Laura Swisher said...

Both Clinton and Evyatar are morally inferior individuals who have tarnished an otherwise stirring and heartfelt entry on my part. You both ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Also, whether a baby is a "minority" or not is irrelevant when selecting wine. Babies (all of them, you racists) go best with a nice Pinot Grigio.

Sann said...

Like I always tell my daughter when I'm warning her not to talk to strangers--"some people like children and some people like children smootherned in gravy and onions"

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