Sunday, August 07, 2005

Gimme An A for Assault.....

Gooooooooooooo ASSAULT!

I have seen the next wave of crime fighting, and it is glorious, and someone needs to make a new detective-type series based on this. I'm talking, of course, about vigilante cheerleaders.

In Detroit a group of girls at cheerleading camp witnessed a hit and run accident. Lacking pen and paper, they instinctively knew what to do--improvise a cheer incorporating the getaway car's license plate number SEVEN SIX THREE FOUR ELL ELL! SEVEN SIX THREE FOUR ELL ELL SEVEN SIX THREE FOUR ELL ELL SEVEN SIX THREE FOUR ELL ELL. Imagine the chant with clapping at every syllable.

They cheered the license plate until cops arrived, which helped them locate the evil driver.

I've never particularly liked cheerleaders. I kind of rank them with sorority girls, although mine is not a burning hatred that some people have. It's more a distrust I have of both sorority girls and cheerleaders for what I perceive as an annoying combination of wealth and vapidity. And yet some of my friends have done both, so I can't say they're all evil. Just most of them.

But, what if cheerleaders appeared at crime scenes across the nation helping cops nab bad guys? I think my opinion of them would have to change. I can see it now...

FADE IN

EXT. NIGHT Squad car lights flashing, apartment dwellers convene on front lawn of their building, where a crime has just been committed. Cops mill about, asking folks for leads when suddenly five cheerleaders appear

CHEERLEADERS
R-A-P I-S-T the rapist drove an SUV! R-A-P I-S-T the rapist drove an SUV! R-A-P I-S-T the rapist drove an SUV!

Of course there are a lot of SUVs around, so the cops would need more information. This is when it would get fun. The cops would have to participate in the cheer if they wanted more info.

CHEERLEADERS
Down by the river...

COPS
Huh?

CHEERLEADER
Chant it. Down by the river...

COPS
Down by the river...

CHEERLEADERS
Took a little wa-alk

COPS
Took a little wa-alk

CHEERLEADERS
Saw a green Explorer...

COPS
Saw a green Explorer...

CHEERLEADERS
Driver had a moHAWK

COPS
Driver had a moHAWK

Anyway, you see the possibilities here. And if cheerleaders of justice covered corporate crime, well, I think people might even tune in to financial scandals.

5 comments:

Danforth Withersby said...

you're not well.

Butternut said...

No, I'm not well. But I sure got a chuckle out of this one!

E... Embezzle
E E ... Embezzle
E - m - b - e - z z - l - e - oh well crap I need to work on my cheers.

Great now I have "Be agressive" by Faith No More running through my head.

I went to a brainy high school so we had a couple validictorian cheerleaders. Not, uh, how do I put this? Not the best student bodies.

I try to memorize the license plates of people that cut me off on the freeway. I never thought of cheering them though. Glad I don't own a convertible. 1 - S - W - I - S - H

Aaron said...

why do I suddenly want to listen to Gwen Stefani?

Iravan said...

Weird. I always thought the Rettop Method was the best for generating traffic. I am going to book mark this blog, nice topics discussed

By the way... I have a los angeles traffic site. It pretty much covers Traffic related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

Iravan said...

Weird. I always thought the Rettop Method was the best for generating traffic. I am going to book mark this blog, nice topics discussed

By the way... I have a traffic site. It pretty much covers Traffic related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)