Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Teen Sex Leads to Fat Ass





I think I've come up with an Anti Teen Pregnancy Campaign that puts "Abstinence Only" programs to shame. It came to me today, as if in a dream, except that it wasn't a dream but an ABC news story.

Here's a piece of anecdotal evidence in a nutshell: Before Emma Richardson became a teen mom, she wore a size eight. She's now a size sixteen.

Let's lose the morality in the teen sex debate and get right down to the real issue: If a teen parent can't work out on account of the five jobs she's holding down just to pay for that pair of Juicy-brand sweatpants and cable TV, she's going to go up several sizes. If she goes up several sizes, she won't be able to fit into the clothes she has now--the clothes she uses to lure acne-ridden males to the living room couch while her parent/s are at work or out of town. If she squirts out a child, she'll probably have to stop taking pilates, even if she's currently taking pilates at Bally's, which is already a cheapo gym. She'll naturally be really tired when she gets home from her various jobs and won't want to cook anything, so every night she'll scarf down only fast food, or food from a can that she purchased at the 99 Cent Store (which is an awesome place!). A bad diet and a screaming kid will lead to depression and, probably, some kind of alcohol or drug dependence. After the first DUI she'll realize she can't afford to drink and drive so all her drinking or pot smoking will happen at night, before bed, to help her go to sleep, and, as we all know, nighttime is the worst time to digest anything because one's metabolism is slowest then. So she'll be come fatter and fatter and will have wasted her youth, and won't be able to show her grandchildren how pretty she used to be as a teenager because she was a teenage mom. And her grandchildren will only be twenty years younger than her because her boy or girl will have perpetuated the vicious cycle of teen pregnancy. Generations later, some kid studying his or her family tree will wonder why there were so many acne-ridden chubsters in the family.

How's that for a campaign? Please, don't answer. This isn't very well thought out. Unless you agree with me. Then it was very well thought out.

Narcissistic times call for narcissistic measures.

21 comments:

Clinton Freeman said...

A+++

You have me wrapped around your little finger.

VagabondLoafer said...

Laura, brilliant! Your superior intellect has again produced a masterstroke of humanitarianism. I agree completely. [genuflects]

Son of Gigan said...

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but I feel it's my job to suck the humor/entertainment out of any situation. And the "eating or drinking before you go to bed makes you fat" theory is a myth. True, your metabolism does slow down when you sleep, but eating before you go to bed will just cause you to wake up less hungry, and less likely to gorge yourself at your first meal.

Other than that, everything else you said is scientifically provable.

Micah Rosen-Wolfe said...

I love the idea. Run with it.

Tim said...

Laura - why do you have to hate on Britney like this? It's not her fault!

On another note I've now stared at that picture for a good 30 - maybe 40 seconds. I don't know what it is but I don't think I have the emotional fortitude to keep looking. Please tell me that's not really someone's butt.

Jesus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jesus said...

HAHA, Tim took the words right out of my mouth, that picture is something else. The Swish does it again.

http://www.savethebluths.org/

Joe Siegler said...

I love the idea and pretty much agree with it but...

THE PICTURE! THE PICTURE!

:)

Shotta Blogger said...

Laura Swisher, I want to thank you for this post. I was nearing the end of my rope in my search for gps truck tracking system, and even though Teen Sex Leads to Fat Ass didn't exactly meet my needs, it was such a worthwhile read that it gave me some more energy to continue. Thanks again. I can only hope to find more gems in my search for gps truck tracking system.

Clinton Freeman said...

Don't know why you need a GPS truck tracking system when you can just call the NSA and ask where you are.

I'm not commenting first anymore. I think I'm being funny and I write something I latter regret.
I thought that was the picture was the profile of an extremely muscular guy's upper body. The idea of it being somebody's backside never entered my mind and probably never would have if left alone.
It didn't mean that much to me a few days ago when it was Louise Braille birthday, but I may have to start learning his system.

Where the hell do you even find a picture like that? I sort of wish I never found out the truth.

Blog Shotta said...

Searcing for real time gps vehicle tracking can be tedious but posts like yours help to re-energize me and keep me looking; even though Teen Sex Leads to Fat Ass is not an exact match for real time gps vehicle tracking. I will continue my search and hope to find more gems like this. Keep up the good work.

Butternut said...

Teen pregnancy is hot. I dunno what you're talking about. I wonder if Blogga Shizater can help me find a pregnant teen GPS?

I'm gonna eat a whole bowl of pork fat just before bed every night for a week and see if Son of Gigan is right.

Son of Gigan said...

Butternut, I must warn you - while eating before bedtime won't make you fat, it WILL cause you to have TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES. I'm serious; that is NOT some old wives' tale. I learned that one the hard way...

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