Thursday, January 05, 2006

God Caused Ariel Sharon's Stroke

Professional Oracle and reverend Pat Robertson, who is close, personal friends with God, announced that He is pissed because Ari is trying to give away His land. To teach Sharon a lesson, God sent him a stroke.

Unfortunately, a lot of people think this is further evidence that Pat "We should Assassinate Hugo Chavez" Robertson is insane, which is bull.

Look folks, it's no secret that God doesn't really like Jews. Know who else God doesn't like? Old people. It's true. God can't stand with the old people. They drive him mashuganah, so much so that he reigns down upon them strokes, alzheimers and osteoporosis.

I am not a man of the cloth so I can't say why that is. In the case of Ariel Sharon, the evidence is pretty cut and dry, as Robertson makes clear.
I think we need to look at the Bible and the Book of Joel. The prophet Joel makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who, quote, "divide my land." God considers this land to be his. You read the Bible, he says, "This is my land." And for any prime minister of Israel who decides he going carve it up and give it away, God says, "No. This is mine."

I'm going to send him an email and see what the Book of Joel says about old people. Of course, if any of you are familiar with the Good Book, feel free to educate me.


Fredtimbo said...

I guess God didn't like his own son--who was also Jewish.

Clinton Freeman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Clinton Freeman said...

The prophet "Joel" was apparently from the Kingdom of Judah which consisted of two, Benjamin and Judah of the 12 Hebrew tribes. The other ten tribes made up the Kingdom of Israel. It may be that Joel was talking about dividing the land into two kingdoms as being the no-no.
But a good fundamentalist believes in the literal interpretation of the Bible and wouldn't read stupid shit into it that's not there.
God hates gays. Black people of the cursed sons of Ham. Slavery is OK. Holy wars carry out God's will. Women should keep their mouths shut and their legs open.
Nobody makes up stuff like that, so it has to be the word of God.

God couldn't be trying to stop the targeting and assassination of Palestinian leaders or the associated collateral deaths.
God doesn't mean "love your neighbor", "thou shall not kill" and all those other "thou shall not ..." Either God said them with crossed fingers or they resulted from celestrial Tourette's Syndrome.

Tim said...

Pat Robertson is a genius. He is a man ahead of his time who has learned that as the world spins out of control he is pretty much free to say the stupidest shit of all time and a) the press will ensure that we all hear it and b) a small percentage of a zillion idiots will think he is teh righteous one. It works. His name is on my lips this morning despite the fact that it doesn't deserve to be. Where is that televangelist who puts his hands up to the screen when I need a good touch?

"Never let the brain idle. Idle hands are the devils playground - and the devils name is Alzheimer"

- George Carlin on aging

Jesus said...

Gods a tough landlord alright. He ain't never scared !

northside777 said...

I think the only reason that Pat Robertson says these things is to stay in the news and try to get some ratings for his show. What is more surprising to me is that the media always broadcasts Robertson’s comments around the clock and everyone is outraged but Iranian President Amadinejad says Israel should be wiped of the map and those in the media say almost nothing.

c_neil said...

As I scan this post I think that people who both love and hate the Bible need to make sure that they really understand what is in there. The sons of Ham may have been cursed, but it is someone's racist theology that makes them out to be black. I won't even try to deal with some of the other assertions.

I think Pat Roberson needs to read the Book of Acts in the Bible and limit his activities to what the first century church did- preaching the Gospel and helping the poor. By the time that Jesus was raised from the dead, they had already found out that there were bigger issues in life to deal with than a silly piece of land.

Butternut said...

I think it was the Book of Billy Joel that says:

this land be your land
but this land is my land.
From California
to the New York Islanders.
Do not divide my land.
Do not divide by zero.
And lo though you might want to,
if you take my last cookie
I'll bust your head."

What a prophet.

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