Monday, July 24, 2006

When Rapists and Alligators Attack...But Not Sharks














What you read here today might one day save your life. In Florida, a sixteen year old kid was dragged into water by an alligator and because he watches the Discovery Channel, he was able to free himself. He remembered that if you're ever pulled into the water by an alligator, you're supposed to stick your thumb into its eye. I learned the same thing about rapists in a self-defense class.

But say you're swimming in the ocean, or a really strange lake, and a shark attacks you, what do you do? My initial answer was, "Blow your rape whistle" or "Use pepper spray", but that's difficult in water. No, what you're supposed to do is grab the shark by the gills.

Please remember these tips. If this post saves just one life, I'll have done my job. And keep this in mind: Rapists don't have gills. It's a lot to keep track of, I know, but it's so important that you do.

4 comments:

Laura Swisher said...

Looks like I'm the first to comment! What are the odds?

Sean said...

Much like gambling, dear Swish, the odds always favor the house, so since this is your house, you have a better chance then the rest of us fans to be the first to post a reply.

Seaners :)

Tim said...

Bah I tried to post from home yesterday but thanks to my lame router I could not.

What I wanted to say was this; I had always heard you were supposed to punch a shark in the nose. Maybe I'm confusing this with grab the rapist by his gills. Now I'm screwed. Thanks alot Discovery Channel!

Wait I thought the Discovery Channel had switched from Discovering shit to motorcycles and street racing? Bah!

(it was deliberate that this post begin and end with "bah" but now I've ruined it)

Butternut said...

Yes, punch the shark in the nose. Also, tickle rattlesnakes under their armpits.