Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Sperm Monologues

This is actually a pretty cool idea.

Hey Kid,

Looks like you're 18 now. That's pretty cool. I'm your dad. You should know a few things about me: I'm really low on rent right now and the miracle of your potential birth is the only thing standing between me and eviction. I sometimes make ends meet by selling marijuana. I've never met your mom but I'm sure she's great.

What else can I tell you about myself? I do a lot of open mics. I'm an artist.

I hope you have a good life.



Amadeo said...

If you excel at any sport that's probably cause of me, if the NFL signs you don't be afraid to come find me.

Matthew said...

Hi kid. Boy are you lucky. The batch right before you went right in the dirty dish towel! Maybe you should play some lottery?



VagabondLoafer said...

Hey kiddo. How’s life so far? I’m not real big on family history. If someday you’re curious. Our surname back in the old country was Hitzer or Hipler or Hitter or something like that.

Tim said...

Dear Offspring,

No matter who you are or how your life has turned out just remember that I left a few million little squiggly guys in that cup and out of all of them you made it through to fertilize the egg so you got that going for you.

Butternut said...

You eyesight should go when you're around 20. Downs syndrome runs in the family but don't worry it's rare. You've got a 50/50 shot on alcoholism, so you've got that going for ya. And I hope you don't go bald, if you do blame your mother.

I'm super rich, you can't have any, and you're never gonna amount to nuthin.

Clinton Freeman said...

To whom it may concern,

Now that you're becoming a man, I wanted to share some of what it's taken my whole life to learn.

1. "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you" is the most important rule the everyone should live by. (But masochist shouldn't take it literally.)
2. In the US, you have the right to say anything you want, no matter how unpopular. As long as you never include the word "Jew."
3. Don't believe everything you read and that goes double for condom wrappers.