Thursday, February 08, 2007

Ted Haggard Now Only 68% Heterosexual

An embarrassing revelation comes on the heels of Ted Haggard's announcement a few days ago that he was "completely heterosexual." One member of the four person board that oversaw his "intense counseling", admitted that Ted's announcement was not entirely accurate. Said Reverend Tim Ralph, "This does not represent a backward slide, but Ted may have jumped the gun a bit when he said he was completely heterosexual. He's closer to being 68% heterosexual, and will likely be in the 70th percentile early next week, which is nothing to sneeze at. When you think about it, Haggard is making tremendous progress. Just three weeks ago he was 95% homo. Today he's 68% hetero. In a couple more weeks he really will be completely cured. I'm really proud of him." Ralph was questioned after a local reporter spotted Haggard staring intently at this month's issue of Details Magazine with Patrick Dempsey on the cover. According to the reporter, Haggard barely glanced at either Playboy or Jugs magazines, which were both in the same general area as the Dempsey magazine.


Tim said...

Thank GOD! Now I don't feel weird sending my 5 and 6 year old boys to spend four hours with him for Catechism this thursday night!

Is it wrong that his image fills me with loathing? I am 98% disgusted and 2% nervous and excited. Maybe more like negative 2%. Are there negative percents? Everyone involved should get hit with a super soaker full of Polo cologne. Denver is the new Florida.

Butternut said...

Is he showing us his "technique" in that shot?