Monday, February 19, 2007

To My Bulimic Friend: If You Yack, I've Got Your Back

I'm overjoyed at Hallmark's new "Journey's" greeting card line. For too many years "Get Well" cards have had to be all things to all maladies. Hallmark now recognizes they need to get more specific. Here's an example:

For eating disorders: "All I want is for you to be healthy – healthy and happy with yourself. Please take it one day at a time until you are."

For depression: "When the world gets heavy, remember, I'm here to help carry it with you."

Here's a description of other cards from the Toronto Star (linked above): "The new line includes cards tackling cancer diagnoses, quitting smoking, caring for an aged parent, miscarriage, anniversaries of loss, loved ones in the military and traumatic loss, such as someone dying in an accident or homicide."

Here are a few card ideas I came up with myself.

For cutters: Don't slit your wrists, nor slice your thigh because I'm your friend and am always nearby. When you want to cut, think of me saying, "Tut tut" and pick up the phone and call me.

For someone going into rehab. Again: Third time's a charm!

Happy Birthday for a drug addict turning 25: Just so you know, heroin could care less you're turning 25. Happy birthday! P.S. Would heroin give you a 5 dollar gift card to Starbucks? Don't think so. Enjoy.

What are your suggestions for cards? Let's hear it.


Clinton Freeman said...

Remember "Oprah's secret.
"The difference between getting "the clap" and "a standing ovation" is all in your mind.

Laura Swisher said...

What does that mean, Clinton? I missed her episode on The Secret.

duboisist said...

I figured it wouldn't be long before everybody knew about Oprah's secret (or at least pretended they did)
."clap" can be a disease or applause

I didn't see the show either, but I'm pretty sure it's the same crap that keeps resurfacing every time there's a huge gap between the very rich and the very poor in societies that think of themselves as egalitarian.
It's Mesmerism time again.

Tim said...

This is easier than coming up with names for country songs.

"Walls weren't meant to keep bad people out - they're meant to keep good people safe.

Congradulations on getting the restraining order!"


"It takes someone who really cares to be truly honest with one they care about.

I think it's time you get more ram."


"The Tribe may have spoken, but I still love you."

how about

"I remember you sayin' one night you had a kid somewhere.

Happy Fathers Day"


"Though I know I don't say it enough, your dedication to yoga makes you lean and fuckable."


"When trouble comes you can always rely on the strength of our love.

I'm sorry you got booted from the forums."


"Here's wishing you and yours all the joy that life can bring now that something so special has come into your lives.

High Definition ftw!"

Butternut said...

"I'm sorry you got booted from the forums." Awesome. With that in mind...

"Bad things can happen to good people. I'm sorry your hard drive crashed and you lost all your porn."

"God still loves you, even if you got caught with a little boy. Enjoy your stay."

"Love is... a three input woman."

"The other night was fantastic, but you should get tested."

"I heard about the new big man on campus. Congratulations on the penile implant!"

"You're my best friend! And I'm so happy you just won the lottery too!"

"Amputation is God's way of saying 'Slow down'."

"Sorry to hear your husband was captured by terrorists. Don't worry, he can keep a secret. Like the one about the affair and his other kid."

"We are sharing an exciting new relationship full of wonder and exploration. Don't tell Mom."

Laura Swisher said...

"The other night was fantastic, but you should get tested." Dig it.

Also liked, "I remember you sayin' one night you had a kid somewhere.

Happy Fathers Day"

Tim said...

"I've loved you since the day we met.

But now that your identity has been stolen, I'm going to need a forwarding address."

Sheeet that almost rhymed.

GD86 said...

"My love for you burns with the heat a thousand stars ... And so does my urethra when I pee. I really need to know if you gave me Gonorrhea."

"He said he'd always be with you. And in a way he was right. Happy unexpected pregancy."

duboisist said...

"I'm sorry I told the joke that I had to explain."

"I heard you have Alzheimer's.
Maybe I should spend time writing something really personal and poignant, but why bother?
You wouldn't remember if I did."

"I hate losing in court. Thank you, for being the defendant."

"Sorry about last night.
I refilled my prescription.
Are we still on for tonight?"

Laura Swisher said...

No apologies necessary, Clinton.

"Happy unexpected pregnancy"! I need to set up a premise blog where I just throw out a kernal of an idea I have and then take everyone else's suggestions. It will be our little secret.

Tim said...

Interactivity ftw!

GD86 said...

For the S&M community. It even rhymes.

"I never meant to leave you that black and blue.
I never meant to do that much to you.
I really thought I would have heard.
I'm sorry I missed our safetyword."

And Laura if my free highschool education and the college education I will be paying back for the rest of my natural life has taught me one thing. There's nothing wrong with taking others ideas and presenting them as your own as you quote and have a biblography at the end.

Laura Swisher said...

"I'm sorry I missed our safe word." Seriously funny.