Friday, September 26, 2008

Palin's Solution to the Economic Crisis

It turns out Palin is not the economic lightweight I thought she was. I just learned of a new bailout plan she's circulating.

Effective immediately, the federal government should start charging victims for rape exams. The money raised will go towards bailing out our beleaguered financiers.

One of McCain's good friends and campaign donors once compared rape to the weather saying, "as long as it's inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it." When our fearless hockey mom found out about this joke, I'm told she found it patently offensive. She felt it should be:
As long as you're going to experience emotional trauma and physical trauma, why not a little financial pain as well? You'll suffer regardless, so why not do what you can to help others avoid suffering?

And she's absolutely right. Women should not enjoy rape while there's a financial crisis going on. It's unseemly.


Butternut said...

I wonder if Ms. Palin knows the answer to this question: Is there more rape per capita in Alaska or at the Equator?

We should be taxing prisoners too, or at least charge them rent. After all it costs the taxpayers a lot of money to house these lesser peoples.

Do they make a Hello Kitty rape kit?

Carlin was right, rape is funny.

Laura Swisher said...

I just listened to that Carlin bit a couple weeks ago. I'm going to guess there is NOT a Hello Kitty rape kit, but Walmart should get on it. This could be a gold mine for everyone involved.

tankboy2902 said...

Got one ear on the debate, but I've been saving comments for a while and I can't wait any longer.

I agree the Emmys were awful. The only things worth watching anymore are the skits for the variety show writers. The Colbert Report, the Daily Show, and Late Night With David Letterman came through like always, but I did have a small problem with one of them.

I noticed that the writers of the Colbert Report consisted of about 12 guys who looked like the Jewish guys (yes, I stood out) I went to Flushing High (Queens) with and one woman. Was she colored? As Redd Foxx once said, "Yeah, white." I was irritated for several reasons. And I'm not assuming everyone actually was Jewish.

1 I understand that Hollywood has many historically insular groups and people like hiring their friends. But the group I saw
was as homogenous as the Republican convention, which I believe both groups would consider an insult. Throw some spice in
that pot!

2 People of different backgrounds bring different things to the table. I understand this implicitly. If there's a comedic
emergency at my job and someone needs an Irish or West Indian joke stat, they call me. Don't act surprised. We didn't all stumble through Ellis Island. I'm guessing that my great-grandpappy slept through that port call, ending up in the Virgin Islands. Luckily, that year's theme for the Tourist Board was, "come for the sun, stay for the rum." And thus was the mojito born. I don't think it would have worked out as well with whiskey.

3 The Daily Show got crapped on a few years ago for this same issue. And I know Faux News noticed the same thing I did. Too bad for them, they're busy lying about Obama. They'll get back to you, Colbert. Now, I don't know how much color is behind the camera but having people like Larry Wilmore (Wyatt Cenac hasn't gotten enough face time for me to figure him out) in front has definitely paid off. Exhibit A: Disney's secret eighth black dwarf, Angry. Finding out about him was a cultural revelation for me. Still, I don't think the truth will ever come out about the secret ninth Jewish dwarf, Morose. Rumor has
he was killed at the beginning of the movie (it was cut) and the film was destroyed. Now why would Uncle Walt do that?

4 Finally, when I say person of color I don't mean he or she has to be African-American. You can mix it up a bit and still meet criterion #2. A Kenyan-Hawaiian with a little bit of, say, Kansas in his background would do. Or a Scottish-Irish from New York with West Indian parents and Puerto Rican cousins. Part Mexican, part non-fat dry milk, I'm not picky(*).

So, all I'm saying is that if any of you know of a female comedy writer of color willing to live in a cramped, roach infested, $1100 a month Manhattan shoebox where the toilet seat doubles as an ironing board tell her to get her ass to New York and bang on Colbert's stage door until he has her arrested or gives her a job! Faux News and me will be watching!

I will now get off my soapbox. Available at 312 E 17th Street (Apt 11) for $1700 a month.

And I was kidding. No one irons anymore.

(*) Thank you, Woody Allen.


Many of us here in Raleigh were not surprised that Clay Aiken is gay. We live in closer proximity to him then people of other cities and states, so we understand things about him that the rest of the country doesn't. I CAN SEE HIM FROM MY HOUSE!


There are few terms more true than "slave to fashion" and high heels are an especially sore point with me. I've always been fascinated that women shackle themselves to a device so poorly engineered for its function. The mechanical engineer in me screams when women mention how much they hurt. I love my wife, she hates the things. I hate tight clothing. For many years I didn't where a watch because I didn't like the pressure on my wrist. I still don't wear any jewelry. If society could handle it (the "slave to fashion" thing) I would only wear a dashiki and sandals. The South's not ready for that yet. If Adolph Palin has her way and women all end up wearing exploding necklace tracking devices, because ankle bracelets are for wimps, fashion designers will gussy them up and women WILL TRADE UP! Being a Christian who believes men are better and more useful, she'll only fit us with exploding cock rings. How old is McCain again?


"Oh!, your puppy is so cute! And energetic too!"

"Yes, he's wonderful, isn't he?"

"And look at him go! What is that?"

"A genuine Chippendale. 1766."

"You know, I thought so. I recognize the Cabriole leg. Well, it's firewood now."

"Don't concern yourself, it's not the first time it's happened. Thank God we're rich."

"Yes, we're expecting our bailout any day now. What the devil is keeping those lazy congressmen? I need to go shopping."

"Oh, now he's peeing on the carpet!"

"Yes. Turkish, Altai, 16th century. Just another day in the neighborhood. Thank god this is just the summer house."

tankboy2902 said...

As long as Microsoft is spending money on those stupid Windows Vista ads, "I'm a PC and I fish" they need to show a guy in a prison cell. "I'm a PC, and I'm locked up."


Boy, that debate was a snoozer, eh? I'm betting McCain had about two hours of nappy-time beforehand, otherwise he would
have just dozed off, snoring quietly and mumbling occasionally, "It's OK, Checkers, I won't let them come for you." and "Rosebud." If I was Jim Lehrer I would have signaled everyone to leave quietly, turning off the lights and turning up the thermostat. Then they could talk about him in the hallway.

"He looks so cute with his thumb in his mouth."

"Aww, he reminds me of Reagan."

If these candidates expect the American people to tune into the debates, they're going to have to punch them up a bit. Short attention span here, people! Remember! That's why for the Joe Biden-Adolph Palin cagefest I'm suggesting they go with snaps!

"Yo mamma's so fiscally irresponsible, she moved all her assets off-shore without setting up an S-corporation first!"

"Oh yeah? Well, yo mamma's so stupid she went to buy some stocks and she heard it was a bear market, so she bought a rug

"Altarboy fucker!"

"Moose cunt!"

For a moment, stunned silence. Then the Battle Cry Of The Projects thunders forth: "OH NO YOU DIT-INT!!"

In the ensuring melee six BBC reporters and an Al Jazeera anchor lose their lives. As the scene fades we see two groups facing each other across the no-man's land of destruction in the middle of the room. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart crew, Larry King, and Anderson Cooper glare at O'Reilly, and Hannity, and Colmes, all clutching their expensive Waterman Harmonie pens now dripping with the blood of dead liberals. Palin; bleeding, clothes torn, eyes darting warily, and breathing heavily is on her haunches huddled in the corner, gnawing hungrily on what appears to be a human arm.


You know, if Rupert Murdoch read that last bit and thought for even a second that such a scenario could actually happen and he could catch it on film he would become so horny and get a boner of such John Holmes-esque magnificence there's no way his wife could beat him off.


What's the difference between Adolph Palin and George Bush?
The lipstick!

What's the difference between Adolph Palin and Rudy Guliani?
The pumps!


I'm actually supposed to be tiling a bathroom floor, but I can't find the GD tile saw and this is more fun. Now if the Gators were on tv my day would be complete. I guess I'll go find the saw, because it'll be nice to have the room done and I can still think up stupid shit while I'm working. Tally-HO!, Dumass!