Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The New Face of Diarrhea

I'm tired of the commercial auditions I've been getting lately. Today, for example, I had to mime groggily opening a refrigerator, and grabbing a container of orange juice, which I poured into a glass and drank. The orange juice sip was so invigorating, I had a burst of energy that only Brand X orange juice could give me. Then I had to sit in the passenger seat of a convertible, which was actually a metal chair, and push a button that would cause the convertible's roof to retract, revealing a glorious day.

The reason why I will probably not book this commercial is I don't do sincerity very well. For some reason, my sincerity reads as sarcasm. "Mmmmmmmmmm! Orange Juice!," coming from my mouth would sound more like, "This isn't bad. It, uh, tastes like orange juice."

The point is, I am an actress, and I don't want to be typecast as a lightweight because of the previous ads I've done. I want meatier commercial roles. No more feel-good Animal Planet promos, or fizzy soft drink spots. I want to tackle more challenging fare. Why can't I be the person who's overjoyed and/or relieved to discover she's pregnant? Why can't I suffer some horribly embarrassing medicalcondition that requires a prescription and has nasty *side effects?

Why can't I walk on the beach with my mom and ask if she ever gets that "not so fresh" feeling? I think I could bring the proper amount of gravitas and vulnerability that such a role requires.

In short, I am ready to be the new face of Diarrhea/Asthma/Allergies/Accidental Pregnancy/Constipation/Arthritis/Osteoperosis, or any other ailment where I can show off my acting chops. At the start of the ad I'd be suffering, unable to participate in the kind of fun normal non-sufferers have. But then you'd see me try the product and voila! I'd be chipper and free, someone who could once again enjoy an active lifestyle.

Hopefully that day will come. Unfortunately, it won't be tomorrow. Tomorrow I have an audition for a jean ad.


*abdominal pain, tenderness, or discomfort; nausea; bloody vomit; bloody, black, or tarry stools; unexplained weight gain; swelling or water retention; fatigue or lethargy; a skin rash; itching; yellowing of the skin or eyes;"flu-like" symptoms; or unusual bruising or bleeding. These symptoms could be early signs of dangerous side effects...THANKS CELEBREX!

18 comments:

DogsDontPurr said...

Hmmmm......can I get the work that you turn down??!

GolDeN ArmZ said...

Glad to see you're doing ok Laura! It's the professional black man from Toronto! Miss the show!

tokyocrunch said...

"Professional Black Man" -- that's so on my résumé now.

dingedarmor said...

I'm laughing so hard my stomach hurts! Could you pass me one of those meds, please?

gb said...

I always looked at you as someone who would funny commericals. I didn't think serious commericals was your style

santana said...

Thats funny especially the walk with your mom part funny as hell...you should do a commercial with Geico those people and that little green thing can't do anything wrong when it comes to commercials...i liked the fake reality show commercial...good times good times.

DreamWarrior Mizu said...

...Well, at least you're not doing the Pepto-Bismol dance, eh?

DannyGo said...

Is it me or does all of this post sound like an excellent pitch for a sketch comedy show centered around commercial spoofs? The research for material would be virtually endless. ;) Call your agent, get some of your comedian friends together, and take this idea on the road. Who knows, maybe it'll get on TV? It's quite apparent that the previous commenters enjoyed it very much. So what do you have to loose?

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