Sunday, June 26, 2005

What to Do When UFO's Are Spotted...

I consider myself extremely lucky that I happened to stumble across this very important piece of news. And if you're reading this, you, too, are lucky because I'm going to give you information that could potentially thwart a War of the Worlds-type scenario. No joke. I suggest you copy and paste this post into an email and send it to everyone on your contact list. It's just that important. Here it is, the ten things you should do if you encounter a UFO. I'm going to paraphrase a bit. Should you want to get a more in-depth, "accurate" account, check out the SF Gate article or visit the Mutual UFO Network's website. Here we go:

1. REMAIN CALM! DON'T EFFING PANIC!!!! SERIOUSLY! YEAH, YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER, BUT BE COOL. Don't go throwing rocks at the UFO. Hide if you have to. Above all: DON'T MAKE THEM ANGRY.

2. Wait a few hours until your buzz wears off and ask yourself this: Are you SURE what you saw was a UFO? Think about it. Are you POSITIVE? No one's going to be mad if you realize what you saw was a helicopter, or something from this earth. Eliminate every other possibility.

3. STOP STARING AT THE THING SLACK-JAWED AND GET YOUR G-DAMN CAMCORDER! What? You think your description is going to be enough? Get PROOF. And don't be all herky jerky with your taping. Make sure to get points of reference, like a mountain in the background, how far thing is from the ground...that type of thing. And don't try and get all Michael Bay on us. Just shoot it straight.

4. If you're, like, the only person on the planet without a camcorder, then use a tape-recorder and describe what's going on. Like, I'm 50 feet away from the keg in my backyard, near the North-facing fence. I see red flashing lights...wait, that's a cop. No, I see green blinking lights in the sky; it sounds like....

5. If there are other people around, make sure they come up with their own descriptions. DON'T COLLABORATE. You do your work, they'll do theirs. Let the experts sort it out.

6. If any evidence was left behind, DON'T TOUCH IT, YOU MORON! Duh. Take pictures, film it, whatever. Also, you don't know where that spaceship has been. You might touch some space goo and then BOOM! Chlamydia of the hand or something.

7. Okay, if the object was spotted at a distance, what would it take to cover it from an arm's length? A penny, quarter, baseball cap, fist. What?! This will help people who understand math to figure out how far away it was, or how big it was.

8. How fast was it going?

9. If you see a space person, hide. But don't hide so well that you can't videotape the thing. Also (and SF Gate didn't even mention this), cover the blinking red light on your camcorder. Space aliens like blinking red lights. AND--and this is really important--if you take a picture don't use flash. This will give the space being red eye and you'll have to photoshop that out later. Oh, and it might alert the creature as to your location, so it can easily kill you.

10. Immediately report the siting to a crackpot organization dedicated to proving UFOs really exist.

11. Post a description to my blog.

Well, good luck out there, folks.


ChozSun said...

I got nothing. It is too crazy for me.

Tim said...

I have a recording of my 'contact' with aliens...but I can't bear to part with the footage for fear of being tormented by my friends. I saw Independence Day when those guys were joking about aliens abusing Randy Quaid! I thought it was funny at the time but not so anymore...and for being such small creatures they are very well endowed. OUCH

Estevan Carlos said...

I once saw a Ben Affleck film. Yeah.

Hey, Swish. When are you coming to San Antonio Texas? It's hot and boring here. Please do visit. Please do.

Butternut said...

1. Watch your cornhole bud.

Speaking of which, does drinking a lot of tequila make your behind hurt the next day?

Estevan Carlos said...

And then there was the time I saw Steven Wright.

Vert said...

Well, I thought was you in the Wendy's commerical. Hmm...I don't know if I would want to run from the aliens. I would take their technology and rule the world. -laughs nefariously and chokes on life saver-

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