Saturday, April 01, 2006

Secrets to Take to Your Grave...


















Even if it means going to prison. This is one secret that would top my list: I shot my husband dancing to Shania Twain with a shotgun. If I had killed my husband in this manner, my confession would have read differently: My husband called me fat. I did what any woman in my situation would do.

The first excuse may keep you out of prison, but you'll forever be known as a lethal lap dancer...who dances to the wholesome Shania Twain. At least if you lie about your husband calling you fat, you'll get some sympathy. Yes, it's a hack cliche, but America loves hack cliches and you could easily find yourself on Oprah apologizing, or talking about the new diet that you're on.

Here's what happens when you're honest:
Linda West, 49, was called upon to demonstrate in court how she had gyrated to the song Man! I Feel Like a Woman, using a broom handle to represent the gun.


As she says, it was a sexual game that had tragic consequences. I'm just trying to imagine how one pulls herself out of bed knowing that, later in the day, she has to reenact the sexual dance which lead to her husband's death in front of packed courtroom. Do you rehearse something like that? Do you even remember the original dance moves that led to the death? "Your honor, I believe it was step, ball, chain, curtsy spin, fire, another spin and that's when I realized I shot him. But it could have been spin, fire, step ball chain. It all happened so fast."

I'd write more but a Dolly Parton's song "9 to 5" just started playing and I feel an irrepressible urge to dance naked.

4 comments:

Phill said...

darwin bags another.

Tim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Clinton Freeman said...

Dancing naked --> if you really have to
dancing with a shotgun --> only if you're Vice-president.

Butternut said...

Left right left right shoot shoot shoot ... uh oh. Ulala (sp) would be proud.

"We were playing with a gun, it just went off. I don't believe it." Now, if you were playing with a fish and it went off, that I wouldn't believe.

I'm just dancing with myself.
Oh oh oh-oh.
Oh oh oh-oh.
Oh oh oh - oooooooh.