Charming Apartment = Small
NY Style Apartment = Size of a walk-in closet
It's got character = Old
Neighborhood "X" Adjacent = Gunplay nearby
Close to lots of restaurants, theaters and stores = You won't want to spend any time in the apartment itself
Permit Parking = No parking after 6pm
Fitness Room = 1 Bowflex system, a treadmill and a mirror
Heart of Hollywood = Heart of Rapewood
Quiet building = lots of elderly people or crazy Russian landlord with zero tolerance for fun
Will consider pet = nothing over 5 pounds
Spiritual and laid back = Easily annoyed
420 Friendly = Pot smoker or Aryan Nation adherent
I'll add more as they come to me. Hopefully I won't need much more real life inspiration. Here's a copy of an ad I replied to. This one is clearly a joke, but it's not that different than real ads I've come across. I'm interested to see if the person actually replies to my reply:
I'm looking for an incredibly beautiful girl to share my house. Why does my next roommate have to be a gorgeous girl with fantastic funbags? Because I hate my job, that's why.
I spend everyday dealing with complete cockbites, only to come home and deal with one more cockbite fucktard, and I'm tired of it. For once, I want something to look forward to, and it's certaintly not going to be my job.
So if someone has suggested that you should be on America's Top Model, or could be (better yet, have been) in Playboy, than you may just have what it takes to be my next roommate.
In all fairness though, it will take more than just being a scorching hottie to be my roommate, it will also take $700 every month.