Thursday, June 22, 2006

Apartmentese

I'm spending lots of time these days looking for a suitable place to live in Los Angeles. Therefore, I'm brushing up on my Apartmentese. I used to speak it fluently, but am a little rusty. I pretty much understand basic words and phrases. This is what I remember so far:

Charming Apartment = Small
NY Style Apartment = Size of a walk-in closet
It's got character = Old
Neighborhood "X" Adjacent = Gunplay nearby
Close to lots of restaurants, theaters and stores = You won't want to spend any time in the apartment itself
Permit Parking = No parking after 6pm
Fitness Room = 1 Bowflex system, a treadmill and a mirror
Heart of Hollywood = Heart of Rapewood
Quiet building = lots of elderly people or crazy Russian landlord with zero tolerance for fun
Will consider pet = nothing over 5 pounds
Spiritual and laid back = Easily annoyed
420 Friendly = Pot smoker or Aryan Nation adherent

I'll add more as they come to me. Hopefully I won't need much more real life inspiration. Here's a copy of an ad I replied to. This one is clearly a joke, but it's not that different than real ads I've come across. I'm interested to see if the person actually replies to my reply:

I'm looking for an incredibly beautiful girl to share my house. Why does my next roommate have to be a gorgeous girl with fantastic funbags? Because I hate my job, that's why.

I spend everyday dealing with complete cockbites, only to come home and deal with one more cockbite fucktard, and I'm tired of it. For once, I want something to look forward to, and it's certaintly not going to be my job.

So if someone has suggested that you should be on America's Top Model, or could be (better yet, have been) in Playboy, than you may just have what it takes to be my next roommate.



In all fairness though, it will take more than just being a scorching hottie to be my roommate, it will also take $700 every month.

7 comments:

Teej said...

Wow it's really real when it comes to apartment hunting huh?

btw....i really love the word 'fucktard'. it's such a versatile word, no?

Blur said...

Laura, You're one of the few people who can meet those rommate requirements (well maybe not the $700/month).
Your Southernmost fan...

Tim said...

You forgot:

Studio apartment = industrial loft

My apartment was billed as "charming close to nature and private" which turned out to = renovated chicken coops. Yeah ya 'erd it right. Although I've learned that the single worst feature when apartment hunting is people; neighbors, real estate dorks, old tenants etc. In the end you can love the damndest places. I love my little chicken coop flat. Hmm - I can't work funbags into this but I tried. Hard. At least the mental effort has left me all anxious. And flushed. And panting. Thanks Swish.

ChozSun said...

I feel for you, Swish.

I am about 5 months from moving into uptown Dallas. A couple of girls at work knew I was looking for a roommate and they jumped all over to be my roomie.

Texas: No mountains or oceans but boy, housing is cheap cheap.

Son of Gigan said...

By the way Laura, you were a bit unclear in your response to the ad. So do you want to share my house or not?

Butternut said...

Double bogeys, 12 o'clock.

Spiritual = will try to get you to come to my church
Easy access = next to the freeway

I hate moving. Hate it. All parts of it. Yuck. I hope you find a new place that you like.

I laughed my ass off at that reply. Good to see you in top form.

estevancarlos said...

God damn. Yeah I'm looking for an apartment in LA now as well. Thanks for the translations.