Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Subject: VP Position

I totally have egg on my face. I thought McCain's selection of Palin was irresponsible and insulting, but I was updating my Monster.com resume and stumbled upon this CV. It's now clear she's the most qualified candidate he could have chosen.


OBJECTIVE
To obtain a position in the highest office of the land that will allow me to utilize my folksy persona and good looks to help achieve a free and democratic Iraq, global economic prosperity and implementation of His will in the laws that govern this great country.

EXPERIENCE
1982 - Captain Girls Basketball Team, Wasilla High School, Alaska
Led the Wasilla Warriors to the Alaska State Championships as Captain, earning the nickname "Sarah Barracuda". As captain, I passed the ball to Democrats and Republicans alike, exhibiting my trademark, common-sense guide to leadership.

1984 - Winner, "Miss Wasilla"
As a brunette, I shook up the old boys network of beauty pageants, which historically favors blondes.

1988-1991 - KTTU-TV, Anchorage Alaska, Sports Reporter
Utilized and honed my teleprompter-reading skills as an anchor on one of Alaska's biggest news broadcasts. Drew upon my vast knowledge of high school basketball to inform viewers on highlights, scores and injuries. Also have expertise in sports machine races and Iditarod.

1992 - City of Wasilla, Council Woman
Demonstrated mavericky-ness by blocking a measure that would have closed a local bar two hours earlier, which would have forced my constituents to drink elsewhere, an undue hardship on them on account of the fact that there's nothing to do in Wasilla except drink and get naked. And hunt. I forgot hunt.

1996 - 2002 - City of Wasilla, Mayor
As mayor, told a bunch of people to "suck it" and made them update their resumes and resubmit them so I could see who was loyal to me. Would also personally call up residents of the town and say, "How's the city doing?" to find out how the city was doing. It was a real hoot. Also cut a shitload of taxes and stopped a library from being built. Stopped rape victims from draining the public coffers by making them pay for their own exams.

2003 - Chairwoman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission
Appointed Chairwoman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission by Governor Frank H. Murkowski

2006 - State of Alaska, Governor
Became the youngest governor in Alaska's history. Said "no thanks" to Congress on Bridge to Nowhere. Did more shaking up of old boy network. Introduced legislation to allow aerial hunting of wolves.


EDUCATION, Bachelor of Science, Communications-Journalism, 1987
Hawaii Pacific University
North Idaho College
University of Idaho
Matanuska-Susitna College
University of Idaho...again

QUALIFICATIONS
Make a mean moose burger, can shoot a variety of weapons, great at teleprompter, still f*ckable, not likely to die in four years, star power, can see Russia from my house, aware of the maritime border between Alaska and Russia and the land border with Canada

4 comments:

BROOKLYNJOE said...

Wow. I've never seen that sportscaster clip before.
Painful.
Scary and painful.

And someone please tell her Peter Falk just called. He wants his eyes back.

Phill MADCT said...

this would have made for a great game on weezy and the swish. HINT HINT.

tankboy2902 said...

You left off one resume entry: her lead in the Wasilla community theatre plays Ernestine Goes To Camp David (1987), Ernestine Saves Wall Street (1988), and Ernestine Stupid, Probably Too Stupid To Be Scared Which Is Why She's Leaving That Part Up To Us (1991).

Bumper sticker material: Dan Quayle: No Longer As Low As We Can Go!

tankboy2902 said...

I'm sitting here thinking and I've come to realize we may not be acting very fairly towards Adolph Palin. We may be using outdated 20th century American ideals to judge her. Terrorism is a new threat in this country, for instance. The Republicans, on the other hand, may have perfectly good brand new outdated 21st century American ideals they're using to measure her for the job. The British have been dealing with terrorism since 19forever, and when they elected Prince Charles as, umm?, exactly what does he do?..., Backup Queen he wasn't seen as too promising either. Other then scoring well in polo, tennis, and supermodels and calling McDonald's eyesores on the weekend, all he did was cash his dole cheques. And now look at all he's done. (Cue echo effecttsss...)

The woman is replacing DICK Cheney, for god's sake! Let's face it, the growthchart mark on that wall doesn't go very high. What could the Repubs honestly expect her duties to be?

Cackling. If there's one thing we know Cheney can do, it's cackle. He's even developed his talent to the point where he has a cackle, an evil cackle, and a You Have No Idea How F*cked You Are cackle. Now, I've never heard Palin cackle, but I have heard her older sister Tina Fey cackle quite well on SNL and 30 Rock. I'm betting it runs in the family. Yes, Tina?

Smiling. (Smiling? SMILING?! You've got to be kidding me, Ed!) I haven't thought up a joke but go with me. You say DICK Cheney can't smile? Damien smiled in The Omen. The Grinch smiled while stealing Christmas. And Cheney once..., Awe, screw it!, Cheney can't smile. Point to the Anti-Christ. (Some people once believed the corners of his mouth turned up just a little on May 4, 1970, but that can't be confirmed.)

Finally, legs. We all know what great gams DICK C has. I love the way his legs go up and make an ass of themselves. He was the number two pinup behind Betty Grable in WW2, and you should have known that. I mean, I know we didn't have gays in the military, but what's in your locker, sailor?

There's some more crap about organizational skills, leadership ability, ability to remain cool under fire, and answer a goddamned question from Katie Couric without tripping over your dick..., oops!, I mean tongue!, but I'm not going to put the electorate to sleep. Putting you guys to sleep is enough.

Bumper sticker material that didn't work: Dan Quayle: No Longer Bottom Man!