Those Who Can't Do Karate, Teach Karate

My heart goes out to this criminal, a karate instructor who's about to go to prison for upwards of ten years. I have no experience with prison life, but I imagine you might get a little street cred and respect if fellow prisoners know you're a karate instructor. In essence, karate instructors are professional fighters. They make a living instructing people how to bust people up (in self-defense, of course).

But how to convince people of your toughness when you're brought down by two of your students, both ten-year-old girls...after you break into their home? I don't know that one can recover from something like this. Obviously he'll try to save face somehow.

"Dude, that Hello Kitty lunch box was hard! And when you get Bonnie Bell lipgloss in your eyes, it friggin stings, man. I'm tellin' you, these aren't regular ten-year-olds girls. These girls were huge, and plus I taught them how to fight. That's how good I am. Hey, back off. Get away from me, man. Cut it out! Ouch. Stop it!"

That's how I'm imagining things might go down for him in prison.

Kill a Sperm, Go to Jail

And so it begins. Radical leftist law makers in South Dakota are arguing that abortion should be allowed in cases of rape or incest.

When are lawmakers going to punish those who murder potential life? I think men should be held accountable for their murderous actions as well. Trillions and trillions of potential babies worldwide are routinely left to die, tossed off like so much garbage into Kleenex or dirty socks. All of God's potential humans should be allowed a chance at life. It's only just.

Chickens Grow Teeth

This is a tremendous scientific development, until you factor in the cost of braces.

New Adoption Ban Is a Good Thing

I know that this is a really controversial subject, but the proposed adoption ban in Ohio is actually a good thing. It's important that kids grow up in a household with supportive parents who embody traditional values. So although this is a really tough call for me, I feel that it is more important for kids to be raised by the right kinds of parents, than to be raised merely by willing parents, even if that means certain children will grow up as wards of the state. So I fully support the proposed adoption ban in Ohio. With any luck other states will pass laws as well.

First They Go After Dodgeball...

Then they go after tag. Without the appropriate intervention, our schools will turn into a hotbed of criminal activity where she-thugs run riot on the playground, terrorizing fellow students with exercise and sport. If there's any justice in this world, 12-year-old Brittney Schneider will be suspended and forbidden to take any more AP Spanish classes. Granted, the punishment can't undo a fat lip, but hopefully, over time, this young boy will one day be able to set foot on a playground again and his night sweats will eventually go away.

Time for a New Gimmick

Enough with the expensive cocktails, already. This week a Connecticut Casino has announced a $3,000 martini. That's a wee bit more exciting than the $950 Red Ruby cocktail in Chicago, and seven-teen-thousand dollars (do the exchange rate math yourself) less exciting than a glass of champagne somewhere in the UK.

If patrons of the casino are smart, they'll order the $3,000 beverage, and have someone choke on the jewel. That should be good for at least $20,000 in pain and suffering after a lawsuit is filed. I don't know if you'll get to keep the jewel at the end of it all, but you'll have made around $17,000. That's not bad on a $3,000 investment.

Is Terrorism Really All that Bad?

THIS IS A REPOST DUE TO A PROBLEM WITH THE COMMENTS

I'll admit it's a problem. I'll accept that there are people who want to destroy this country, and that, you know, we should try to prevent our destruction. I'm just not sure terrorism should be the Bogeyman we fear. On 9/11 over three-thousand innocent people lost their lives. I just wonder how many more lives will be lost by government neglect and incompetence in the name of terrorism. I mean, we're spending billions upon billions of dollars to make the world hate us. Bush spent a 1.6 billion dollars in the U.S. for PR on promoting programs we don't want to try and sway our opinion. All the money being dumped into the Iraq "war" is like PR for the terrorists.

Three thousand lives lost is a lot. How many lives have we lost to neglect? There are the Katrina victims, the miners in Virginia and now pretty much any victim of the convoluted Medicaid plan. There's all the poor people who can't afford medical care. Any victims of future disasters that FEMA is unprepared for. And speaking of unprepared, there's that little matter of the bird flu. Suffice to say, we're woefully unprepared. Every day brings news that the epidemic is spreading. In 1918 we had a flu pandemic. About twenty-million people died.

So when I read about what the Department of Homeland Security is doing to protect us, it's not very comforting.

And when I think about the best ways to protect Americans, I'm less concerned about terrorists--who will never go away, by the way--than I am about a government that willfully ignores disasters it knows are coming.

Revenge, Thy Name Is Dumbo

If I've said this once, I've said it a thousand times: Never piss off an elephant. I once called an elephant "fat" at the circus and it followed me home and sat on my bike, crushing it. I hate to think what would have happened had I slaughtered its mom for her tusks.

Boinking to Keep Our Streets Safe

Okay, the story's a couple days old, but it's positively genius. In order to rid its town of prostitution, the Sherrif's department in Spotsylvania, Virginia has determined that its officers should have sexual acts performed on them so they can "Catch the prostitutes in the act."

You've got to appreciate the level of commitment these officers have for the job. I mean, to serve and protect is one thing, but to allow oneself to be sullied by a fellatio is quite another.

Now that this story has made national headlines, I doubt this policy will last much longer. But I suspect arrests for prostitution would have gone up over 200%. I wonder if only the better-looking whores were targeted.

Domino's Pizza Really into Sociology

The headline "Are You Compatible? Order a Pizza Together" caught my eye. I thought this might be about how couples order pizza together is indicative of the kind of relationship they had. Like, if a woman insisted on pepperoni and mushrooms and a guy wanted mushrooms and sausage, they might compromise and order a Canadian bacon pizza with mushrooms. That compromise would indicate a healthy relationship, as opposed to a relationship where one person had to have anchovies or nothing at all.

Then I read the article and learn that this is all the study yielded:

For example, those who prefer more non-traditional topping combinations, such as pineapple and onion, are most romantically compatible with people who prefer similar non-traditional toppings.

If you prefer traditional single-meat toppings like pepperoni, your ideal match is a person who likes a pizza loaded with meat toppings -- someone who is extroverted.

I guess if anyone is about to get married they should find out what kind of pizza toppings their future spouse enjoys. Canadian bacon people coupled with Spinach people have a higher rate of divorce than two Pineapple people.

I learned that from Dominos. By the way, I know papers really want to find news stories with a Valentine's Day angle, but this is pushing it. Really really pushing it.

One Coca Cola, Neat...

No ice. Here's another story you probably wish you'd never heard about. I'm one of those people who would rather be unaware of all the disgusting things I ingest. I like Fig Newtons, for example. There may, in fact, be all kinds of foreign products ground up with the fig but I don't want to imagine what they are. I've gone my whole life without gettting sick from eating Fig Newtons so they're probably not that bad.

But then some twelve-year-old has to come along and shatter my little bubble, make me panic everytime I order a soft drink from Baja Fresh. This budding scientist discovered that the water in a fast food restaurant's toilet is cleaner than its ice. Why hasn't the health department ever conducted this experiment? Why does this news come out of a junior highschool science project.

Damn it! It's going to take me a while to forget this.

Freshman Orientation Should Have Covered This

If this incident isn't an indictment of our national education system, I don't know what is.

I'm not a professor, but there are a few things I can teach our nations' college students.

1) No one sells $3.00 worth of marijuana.
2) Don't attempt to purchase marijuana from a police station.
3) If a cop ever asks you why he pulled you over, don't answer, "Because I'm wasted."
4) Don't smoke marijuana INSIDE your dorm room. One of the RAs will rat you out.
5) If you do attempt to purchase pot from a police station, wear something nice for the mugshot.

I'm probably missing some very important items. Feel free to add to the list.

Swedes Are Stupid

They actually believe global warming is real. And instead of just talking about reducing their addiction to oil, they're actually doing something about it. But they aren't having oil industry executives create their policy; they're using scientists. Doesn't make any sense.

Stop White on White Crime

How many more senseless shootings are we willing to tolerate before we say enough? This is truly chilling. I've heard there's a climate of fear among oil men and that many are afraid to venture into the woods.

Hurricane Plot on Los Angeles Thwarted

Holy shit! I just learned that the Department of Homeland Security thwarted a Category IV hurricane headed toward downtown Los Angeles back in 2002. Apparently there was a lot of chatter from hurricane operatives and associates that the Category IV was determined to strike LAX or the tallest building in the city. Because airport security is so tight and impenetrable, it settled on the downtown area. Fortunately for America, George Tenet was able to torture the details of the plot out of a tropical storm near San Diego, and avert disaster.

Thank God our government is listening to our phone calls. If they weren't, Los Angeles might not exist. And then where would my acting career be?

Raisin Bran Stock Will Plummet

Great news, dieters. An extremely comprehensive new study finds that a low-fat diet does not--repeat, does NOT--lower the risk of A-list diseases. This was the largest study to date on the matter and, over an eight-year period, Krispy Kreme devotees fared no better than Kashi lovers. There was no discernible difference in the rates of breast cancer, colon cancer, heart attacks and strokes.

I'm waiting for a comprehensive new study to come out on the effects of exercise and disease. Please let there be no correlation between exercise and reduced risk of disease. PLEEEEEEAAAAAASE. I really want to cancel my gym membership.

Our Top Export to India: Shame Spirals

I shed a tear when I read this article. The population of India is getting heavier and heavier. The reason? Fast food. I'm proud of America's culinary hegemony over the rest of the world. When fast food is introduced to other parts of the world, obesity follows. It happened in Japan (didn't it?) and it's now happening in India. Eff yeah! It's just another example of our might. Notice there aren't any stories about sudden drops of weight when Indian food is introduced to a region. I think it's because we know how to sell better.

Here's some advice for formerly-healthy Indians that now find themselves saddled with extra pounds: Tell your friends it's not your fault. Tell them it's because you caught a virus. How does ColdEze work against obesity? Is it possible to catch obesity on a cross-country flight?

You Won't Like Them When They're Angry

Please don't think I'm being cruel by saying this, but I hope it's only the elderly mentally-unstable Medicare/Medicaid participants that aren't getting their meds. I mean, if there's a group of mentally-unstable individuals--and there is--that's being deprived of mood-stabilizing drugs, I don't want that group to include, say, the physically fit. And on the whole, elderly people are less fit than other groups. Because if someone with bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia isn't able to get his meds, I don't want him to be able to fly into a violent rage without the assistance of a cane or walker. I want to be able to avoid getting bludgeoned to death by getting away at a comfortable jog.

I bring this up because an estimated two million mentally-disabled people have not been able to get their meds under the new healthcare program which debuted at the beginning of the year. Or they've been able to get some of their meds, but not others. Like, they might get the meds that cover, say, arthritis, but not the meds that cover the voice in one's head telling one to kill the cashier at the local diner. Oops.

According to an official in the healthcare industry (see Washington Post article), "I really don't know what the future will bring. . . . I have a very deep concern that psychiatric patients will suffer disproportionately," Sharfstein said. "If by the end of February or March, if [federal officials] haven't figured this out, we could have an epidemic on our hands."

Did you catch that? An epidemic. Sweet.

Remind me not to leave the house without a helmet in the coming months. Thanks for protecting us Congress!

If Space Suits Could Talk

I'm sure they'd state the obvious, "Not much goin' on up here. Little chilly. Have the Oscars aired yet? Any idea what film won for Best Picture?"

I'm just guessing at this. I don't have a HAM radio so I might be way off base. If you do have a HAM radio, tune it to FM frequency 145.990 MHz, where the deejay will be comin' atcha from space.

Who's got a HAM radio?

SOTU

So I half-watched the State of the Union Address last night. Actually, I first tuned in on my way back from the library, listening in my car, and I flipped off my stereo no less than five times in ten minutes. I shouldn't have. My stereo has been nothing but faithful to me. This was a case of blaming the messenger. Tres unfair.

Here's something that irks me: hearing commentators and others talk about listening to W. with an open mind, as if there's a chance the president could have redeemed himself in this speech, found a way to really turn things around. And I recall the same sort of talk when he gave his "stirring" speech about rebuilding New Orleans. Back then we were going to, "Do what it takes" and other such rhetoric. And commentators discussed how Bush nailed it, connected with fellow Americans, blah blah blah. Has anything happened in New Orleans? Not really. Does Bush actually care? Not really. He cares about his well-off friends from the region. He's made sure his pals get more than their fare share of government contracts.

Love Bush or hate him, here's an absolute fact about the man: He's a liar. He doesn't accidentally "mislead", he tells boldfaced lies to achieve his goals. So what does it matter what he says in a speech? What does it matter what we FEEL about his speech? How 'bout we just look at what he does? Has he rebuilt New Orleans? No. Do our troops have the body armor they need? No. Are our seniors getting the medication they need under his brilliant new plan? No. Is freedom really on the march? Yes, actually. Freedom IS on the march. Like Elvis, Freedom has just left the building. I don't know where it's marching, I just know it's marching away from Americans. Two people were thrown out of the SOTU address for "protesting." Is wearing a t-shirt with an undisputed, yet disconcerting fact against the law? I don't know if you realize it, but laws don't matter much anymore. They're inconvenient.

By the way, what is a culture of life? Is that respect for the dignity and humanity of every person except for those we torture? Bush said a society is measured by how it treats its weak and vulnerable. I guess that means he's being compassionate when he cuts taxes for the wealthy and cuts aid to the poor.

The parts of this speech I watched made me want to scream. Do people really buy into anything he says? Amazing.